The Dord of Darien

BASEBALL COMSPIRACY

Mediocre Oakland Athletics outfielder Jack Cust has uncovered the truth about the Mitchell Report: it was a far-reaching conspiracy to bolster the Red Sox! As evidence, he offers the eminently deniable fact that no Red Sox appeared in the report, and the allegation that the only possible reason for this untruth to be the truth is that senator Mitchell stood to gain financially from it.

Here’s another potential reason. The Mitchell Report was mostly gleaned from information given by two trainers, neither of whom had ever worked with the Red Sox. If one were to pay attention instead of just mindlessly reacting, one might also notice that there are other teams lacking in much representation in the Mitchell Report. One may also notice that senator Mitchell himself denied that the report was comprehensive.

So, good work, Jack Cust! You win the 2009 Stupid Conspiracy Theory award, with a bonus award for lack of originality. Well played!

August 18th, 2009 Posted by Darien | Baseball | no comments

Tear that shit up, Aldrin!

Taking a page out of Barry Zito’s playbook, American folk hero and two-fisted anti-asshole vigilante Buzz Aldrin has accepted $126 million from the Giants to suck recorded a song. The difference is that, while Zito’s song was a ridiculous oozy pop mess, Aldrin has recorded… well, it’s a rap song. It’s about going to the moon. You should just watch the video.

Remember when I first discovered that Aldrin was black? Just sayin’.

August 18th, 2009 Posted by Darien | Bullshit | no comments