Did you know that the famous Dr. Derek Smart, Ph.D has his own blog? Neither did I. And yet, here he is, being his old, weirdly-vehement self, and ranting and raving about pointless things. Leave it to Dr. Smart to be the only person in all creation still having that tired, ten-year-old argument. I’m pretty sure it’s the lazy man’s alternative to being a vegetarian; you get to feel superior to everybody else because you’re adhering to some bizarre moon dogma, but you still get to eat bacon.
March 13th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Bullshit, Games |
no comments
I only remember two things about middle school. The first thing I remember is punching a whole lot of dudes — that was pretty much the heyday for my bionic punching fist. Back in middle school, if you and your flying robot sidekick punch somebody’s face off, they send you home for the day, which is a totally sweet way to get out of having to spend your day in middle school. It took me a while to get to terms with the idea that, once you’re not in middle school anymore, punching somebody’s face off can get you sent to jail, or, as I call it, middle school for grown-ups. So I don’t bionic-punch people so much anymore.
The other thing I remember about middle school is that Mega Man X came out. I remember this clearly because I knew a lot of kids who, in between bouts of getting punched, enjoyed thinking it was called Mega Man Ten. As anybody with a modicum of sense can tell, that’s stupid. It’s clearly Mega Man Ecks. It’s about a robot called X, for pity’s sake. And the previous game in the series was Mega Man 6, right? I had one dude actually tell me that, since there were six NES Mega Man games and four Game Boy Mega Man games, it was Mega Man Ten. I asked him why, if his idiotic theory were correct, it wouldn’t be Mega Man 11 instead. I never found out, though, because he was too busy being punched to answer.
Then Mega Man X2 came out, which you’d think would put the nail in the ankle once and for all — I mean, it’s not exactly the case that anybody would be stupid enough to make a game called like Mega Man Ten Two. I mean, except for these assholes.
What I’m getting at is that I’m officially declaring a moratorium on roman numerals. If you didn’t notice from my edgy, unpredictable, hard-hitting coverage of Final Fantasy 13, I am just not playing along anymore. I’m sick of it. I’m retiring from the game of trying to figure out which game in the series Final Fantasy MCMXLVIII is. From now on I’m adopting the common-sense proposition of referring to them by actual number, since, if Roman numerals were so great, maybe those goddamn cavemen would still be around.
This applies to world leaders and popes, also. Though Queen Elizabeth Two might not be too hard to figure out, I’m sick of Henry Eight and Benedict Sixteen and Malcolm Ten screwing me up with their indecipherable Roberta Williams rubrics. Also, I’m sick of how all the weapons in Mass Effect — or, as I call it, Thousand Ass Effect — have inscrutable crazy names like HWMP XVII. How about Vorpal Sniper Rifle +5, Nine Lives Stealer? At least that one I won’t end up calling Hump Sixteen.
You know who else pisses me off? Switzerland. I’m blaming them for clocks. In particular, I’m blaming them for those idiotic clocks that can’t even figure out what roman numerals to put where, and so I end up with like some fucking IIII nonsense that, last I checked, isn’t even a correct roman numeral. Is IIII French for IV? I don’t care. Hey Switzerland, if you can’t do it right, sack up and put a 4 there.
While we’re talking about Final Fantasy 13, I hear it has this asshole in it. Just something those of you who may have just bought it might want to keep in mind. Also, I hear DVDs make pretty compelling shotgun targets. Just sayin’.
Yeah, screw you too, Jim Rome. The new age of common sense has begun.
March 12th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Games |
2 comments
Hey look, Nomar Garciaparra just signed a one-day contract with the Red Sox. Isn’t that adorable? He wanted to retire as a Red Sox player, and the Red Sox apparently wanted to claim him, so they worked out a nutty one-day deal. That’s charming and silly. I like it.
If that’s too positive for you, we can take a look at Torii Hunter making crazy racial remarks about Vladimir Guerrero being an "impostor" and not, apparently, actually black.
As African-American players, we have a theory that baseball can go get an imitator and pass them off as us. It’s like they had to get some kind of dark faces, so they go to the Dominican or Venezuela because you can get them cheaper. It’s like, ‘Why should I get this kid from the South Side of Chicago and have Scott Boras represent him and pay him $5 million when you can get a Dominican guy for a bag of chips?’ … I’m telling you, it’s sad.
Vlad Guerrero’s 2009 salary: $15 million
That’s a damn lot of chips, Torii. How unfair to you that they were able to get such an obviously inferior player instead of having to pay you $18 million. Which you deserve. Since you’re so much blacker than Vlad.
You know what offends me the most about Hunter’s idiotic comment? The fact that I agree with Ozzie goddamn Guillen:
In our country, we play baseball. That’s no choice. Here you can play basketball, you can be another athlete, you can do so many things when you have the opportunity. And that’s why there’s not many (African-American) players out there.
Torii, here’s the deal. You’re making less sense than Ozzie Guillen. You can go to jail for that in at least 37 states. I think you really need to relax. And maybe stop whining about nonsense.
March 10th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Baseball |
no comments
So everybody knows about how monomaniacal tiny little short man Michael Bloomberg is trying to make it illegal for people in New York City to eat salt. Well, not to be outdone, some hi-larious gasbag idiots in the state legislature are pushing this bill, which, to quote it in its entirety, "prohibits the use of salt by restaurants in the preparation of food by restaurants."
Now, obviously, that summary was written by somebody not of this earth. Presumably, on whatever planet the asshole who wrote this came from, a fine of $1000 does not seem excessive for the make-believe crime of salting food; it is worth noting, however, that here on planet not-shoved-up-some-congressman’s-ass, it’s downright absurd.
And, of course, this intelligent new law would ban the use of salt "in any form." Anybody stupid enough to believe the government won’t define that so broadly as to encompass the use of any food products containing salt — which is all of them — probably still thinks there’s no way the Patriot Act could be misused.
The only bright light here is that, since it’s clearly insane, it’s not going to pass. Even New York politicians aren’t stupid enough to sign this. Illinois politicians, maybe, but not New York.
March 9th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Bullshit, Food |
no comments
What do you call a quack who works with chiropractors, traffics in homeopathic remedies, and loves socialism? I guess I spoiled it in the title, huh. Well, for those of you who don’t read the titles of these things but still, for whatever reason, read the body: look at the title for the amazing answer!
Yeah, so, screw Choke-Rod and all that; there’s one thing I’d like to bitch about here, though:
"There’s reasons people put legs on it. Obama’s trying to bring in a health care system like ours and the private sector is trying to say it’s a lousy system. It doesn’t look good if the icons of sports are coming up to a Canadian health care system," Galea said.
Yeah, Dr. Dipshit, you’re totally a political prisoner. This is all about those greedy corporations fighting the God-Emperor’s noble attempts to save us all from the terror of not enough government in our lives. Alternative theory: those athletes are going to Canada to get drugs that are banned in the United States. Like that freaky cow blood shit. And the reason you’re in trouble is regular plain-old drug smuggling, for which your courier completely sold your ass up the river. Go peddle your health fraud and crackpot political theories on the roof. In jail.
March 8th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Baseball |
no comments
So I saw some bananas the other day that had a sticker on them that looked, to my eye, an awful lot like Aiai. Turns out it was — apparently Chiquita bananas come bearing Super Monkey Ball stickers these days. Here’s the list of reasons why this made me feel completely gay, in increasing order:
1) I noticed a sticker from across the room and it immediately caught my eye because I thought it looked like a monkey from a video game.
2) Upon finding out that it was a sticker of a monkey from a video game, I was pretty excited and went searching for other monkey stickers (I located Meemee, but nobody else).
3) I kept the sticker and stuck it on my monitor.
4) My first reaction upon seeing this sticker was "why is a Super Monkey Ball sticker on a Chiquita banana, when everybody knows Super Monkey Ball is sponsored by Dole?"
5) I used the power of the internet to learn why Sega has swapped banana brands.
That’s me — super-cool, and keepin’ it real.
March 8th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Bullshit, Games |
no comments
Ars Technica has a gigantic bullshit cry piece posted about the evils of ad blockers, and how nobody should do it ever. Allow me to extend this Virtua Digit to you blubbery Betties and your sack of old moaning.
Here’s the deal, Arses. Back in the halcyon days when the internet was young and uncritical dopes were pouring tons of money into it, it was possible to run a 468×60 ad banner at the top of your web page and make enough money from it that not only would it pay your server bills, but also you wouldn’t need to get a real job. I’m sure you miss those days; everybody does. Other than the people who paid for it, I mean. But here’s the trouble: as the revenue from the crazy malinvestments began to dry up, some people began experimenting with trying obnoxious, attention-grabbing ads, figuring that if they just made a big enough nuisance of themselves, people would click the banners more often. This is a well-understood principle of psychology called "stupidity," since the (fairly predictable) result of making ads really annoying was not an increase in clickthroughs, but, rather, the development of software to stop the ads from displaying.
You basically brought this on yourselves. You’re pretending to have the moral high ground here, and you’re carping at your readership to visit fewer web sites rather than block the ads (seriously, fuck the heck?), but where were you with your strong moral stance when the awful advertising was starting up? Were you taking a stand against ads that blink? Were you opposing the pop-up, pop-over, and pop-under? What about those obnoxious full-page "gateway" ads that animate and make noise? Were you actively trying to prevent the proliferation of that nonsense, or were you just happy to get a higher rate from your ad networks for allowing those things to run?
Get off your high horse, Ars Technica. You participated in a marketing scheme that was ultimately hostile toward your audience, and your audience adapted. You can’t just call a do-over like that. Just do better next time.
March 7th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Bullshit |
no comments
Hey gang, Final Fantasy 13 is finally out! From the sound of it, it just managed to beat the ill-seeming Final Fantasy 14 to market. This might come as a surprise to those of you who have mental defects, but I haven’t played it. I’m sticking to my promise made ten years ago when Final Fantasy 8 burned me hard: I will not pay full price for a Final Fantasy game. Which does mean I’ll probably pick it up out of morbid curiosity when it’s ten bucks and I’m bored.
I’m being unfair here. It’s irresponsible of me as a game critic to assume the game’s going to be awful just because almost all of the games in the series have been. I’ll be positive here; I’m hoping that Final Fantasy 13 is finally good enough to redeem Final Fantasies 2, 3, 5, 7, 10, 12, and especially Final Fantasy 8, all of which were a gigantic waste of binary digits. And that’s the good thing about the internet’s gaming community — we can judge the reviews in aggregate, since there are so many of them, and come out with a pretty good picture of whether or not the game’s worthwhile before we spend our own money on it.
Had you going there, didn’t I? I mean, look at this. The game’s obviously terrible. And the mass of reviewers are going to praise it to high heaven, because they’re tasteless, uncritical sheep. These are the same people responsible for the utterly non-excellent Bioshock winding up with a metascore of 96. 96! For a half-finished and completely unbalanced FPS with four different mobs in it that makes you play Pipe Dream about three hundred times. No, the idiots who did that are also going to give Final Fantasy 13 high marks just because they think they should, and meanwhile it’s going to suck the lights out.
March 7th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Games |
no comments
The Cubs just finished getting murderised by the White Sox — who are terrible — 15-3. You know who gave up the first six of those runs? Carlos Silva, that’s who. He did it in two magical innings of lobbing 60 MPH meatballs across the exact centre of the plate.
Like I said. $6M. That was all.
March 6th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Baseball |
no comments
Looks like I was right — this brouhaha has been leading to a Portal 2 announcement. Though that appears not to be the endpoint; as you can see, there are more odd clues in the announcement itself. Apparently the underlined letters create a new username / pass combo for the Aperture Science BBS that yields even more weird encoded images.
I’m also wondering why it says to go to www.steamgames.com for more information, since that just redirects to the Steam front page, which has no information whatsoever.
March 5th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Games |
no comments
