I’m a couple days late to this party — work and all — but Valve has started releasing a series of peculiar updates to Portal. The first one states — and I’m copying this verbatim from the Steam news entry — "Changed radio transmission frequency to comply with federal and state spectrum management regulations." What this amounts to is a whole lot of confusing dickery related to the radios in the game; apparently they now broadcast (when brought to certain places) a bunch of static-y noise that can be decoded by running it through an SSTV converter into a series of strange pictures. MD5 decoding of the number sequences involved yields a phone number in Kirkland, Washington which is apparently an Aperture Science BBS, along with a username and password for logging into the BBS. The BBS apparently contains a whole lot of new weird images and words.
You probably think I made all that up. And yet.
I’m told that was an elaborate trigger mechanism; the BBS was sort of a trap, and once a certain number of users logged into it, it triggered the release of the second Portal update, launched with the cryptic line "Added valuable asset retrieval." This update alters the game’s ending; I’m reinstalling Portal now to check that out, because I’m the exact type of painfully nerdy nerd who won’t be satisfied to go look up a spoiler or see the video on YouTube; I have to run the new ending myself.
I’m thinking this is a viral prelaunch ceremony for Portal 2. We’ll see.
Edit: Portal rebeaten.
Extended ending does exist. Also, I think there may be some minor texture changes in the game, but I’m not 100% certain; I spotted some things I never noticed before, but it’s possible I was just looking more carefully this time since I was in pursuit of weirdness. Also there’s this:
March 4th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Games |
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"It’s not that he needs to walk more… he needs to be a more disciplined hitter. It’s not that more walks wouldn’t be welcome — he hit over .300 last season."
This in regards to Erick Aybar, who hit .312 last season with only 30 BB in 556 PA. Three points I’d like to make:
1) Erick Aybar is bad at baseball. I know he’s a middle infielder, but a career 85 OPS+ isn’t acceptable no matter what position you play.
2) Yes, he needs to walk more. 30 BB in 556 PA is lousy.
3) What exactly does being a "more disciplined hitter" mean if not walking more? Should you fly out more instead of grounding out? Does that help?
Baseball’s back! Woo!
March 4th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Baseball |
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Chicks in baseball alert! Everybody get ready for the dogs and cats sleeping together. I think that’s next.
March 4th, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Baseball, Bullshit |
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Mark your calendars: Mario Galaxy 2 launches in North America on Illuminati Day. Which is odd, since that’s a Sunday. Well, who knows what Nintendo is fnord thinking. They’re oddballs anyhow.
March 2nd, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Games |
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Here’s your chance. Better hurry before somebody else snatches that!
March 2nd, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Games |
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I just… there are no words.
The Chicago Cubs have tried pretty much everything else over the last century, so why not bring in a certified curse-buster?
1) Because Kevin Millar is bad at hitting baseballs.
2) Because Kevin Millar is bad at fielding baseballs, and there is no DH in the National League.
3) Because I don’t recall offhand the name of the prestigious organisation that certified Millar’s curse-busting skills.
4) Because there’s no such thing as curses, dimwit.
Why not Kevin Millar, one of Boston’s most celebrated title-winning "idiots" of 2004?
Because he sucks. At baseball. And, come on. Kevin Millar was like the 11th most "celebrated" player on that team, just behind Dave Roberts and just ahead of Manny Ramirez’ hair stylist.
Why not one of several Red Sox players who took part in pre-game whiskey-sipping rituals to facilitate the end of the dreaded Curse of the Bambino?
More to the point: why not one of the good ones, instead of Kevin Millar?
Why not the dude who made "Cowboy Up!" a Beantown rallying cry?
Because "Cowboy Up!" was so stupid and irritating that even the idiot thing was better.
"I agree," Cubs manager Lou Piniella said Tuesday.
Fuck you, Lou.
"The situation you’ve alluded to, I think we’re all aware of it … so your question is answered with a yes."
Since we’re all aware of the situation — you know, the one we’ve alluded to — the answer to the question is "yes." Specifically, the answer to the question "why not Kevin Millar" is "yes."
Good job, Lou. You interview like a champ.
Piniella can’t even bring himself to utter the word "curse."
For this, I take back at least two of the nasty things I’ve said about you, Lou.
Nevertheless, he acknowledges that the most championship-starved franchise in sports—101 years and counting—could do worse than enlist the fun-loving Millar as a good-luck charm.
Well, yeah. They could trade for Carlos Silva. Which… they did. I’m thinking I may have an idea of why they’re so starved for championships.
Clearly I mean the curse of Carlos Silva!
Millar, who drives an enormous pickup truck featuring "COWBOY UP" logos on both front doors, the rear liftgate and the trailer hitch, hopes to bring the same kind of positive mojo to Wrigley Field.
I’ll tell you what. I’m going to go get really drunk right now. Nobody wake me until it’s 2011.
So what will Millar’s new rallying cry be? Cubbie Up, perhaps?
Make that 2014.
"I have to make the club first," he said. "Then we’ll start working on that."
Or maybe the Cubs could trade you for a dog.
March 2nd, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Baseball |
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Metal Gear Solid (Playstation, 1998)Let’s get this out of the way to begin with: this game looks like complete shit. I’m sorry, but it does. I get that the Playstation couldn’t handle as much 3D as they wanted for this game, but it seems to me that the better solution would be to use a bit less 3D and make the stuff you have look not so much like ass, yeah? Especially since, hey, riddle me this: is there any reason to make your game in full 3D if you’re not going to allow the player any kind of camera control anyhow?
Beyond the fact that the game looks like shit is the fact that the controls are extremely ornery. Aiming is a severe chore due to the game’s unwillingness to allow you to move the camera (which means no first-person aiming mode) — I don’t just mean precision aiming, but even just, like, shooting straight ahead. When you do get the game’s one aimable weapon — the sniper rifle — you’ll find that its aiming controls are even worse; the aiming reticle sloooooowly drags its way around the screen as you haul on the stick, and you end up getting your face shot off since you can’t get the gun pointed at the damn boss fast enough to accomplish anything. Which is exactly why nobody does the second Sniper Wolf fight with the sniper rifle.
While I’m talking about the bosses… holy shit. There are a few good ones here and there, but the garbage is laid on thick. In addition to the Sniper Wolf fight, there’s the Revolver Ocelot fight, where you run in circles around and around and around and then try to aim at him, and if you miss a step it’s instant death. Or there’s Liquid Snake, who you have to punch off of a giant robot within a time limit, and, if you fail, you get to watch a ten-minute cutscene all over again. But, most importantly, there’s Psycho Mantis. Psycho Mantis has a gimmick, you see: he can read your mind! Which basically means the game is a big damn cheat, and he’ll avoid all of your attacks. To get around this problem, what you have to do is (are you ready for this?) switch the controller to port 2 on the Playstation during the jabberjaw cutscene before the fight starts. I mean, yeah, that’s a retarded gimmick, but it’s okay, because the game gives you plenty of clues to help you figure it out.
What’s that? It doesn’t give you hint fucking one? You have to look it up on the internet? Oh. Well, in that case, fuck you, Hideo Kojima.
Plotwise, the game is fun, and doesn’t get into the really absurd loony-land metaphysics of the later series entries, with with their magical mind-controlling arm transplants and so forth. The cutscene density is really thick, though, and the acting’s not so good, so you might be ready for the game to stop yammering long before it’s ready for you. And the ending is goddamn insulting, what with the final boss who you kill four times, emerges from the base unscathed, and then dies of a heart attack right before he kills you and wins the world. Seriously, Hideo Kojima. Fuck you.
March 1st, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Most Overrated Games Ever |
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Yeah, neither do I. But it’s just now become a little bit more awful than it was before, if you can believe that.
I was going to tear that dimwit a new orifice, but Matt Welch has beaten me to it, and has done so so thoroughly that I really can’t find anything else to say. I mean, swearing, yeah, but… Matt swears some already, hey? So I’ll let him have this one.
March 1st, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Baseball |
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Remember last year, when Chipper Jones was slitting his wrists in the press about what a sad sack he was for having a "horrible" year in which he posted an OPS+ of only 118? While placing an unconscionable fifth in the league in walks? Well, he’s at it again.
The Atlanta Braves’ third baseman still says he will walk away from the game if he can’t bounce back from a disappointing season. Jones, who will turn 38 in April, said this week he won’t hang around just to collect a paycheck if he’s no longer playing up to the standards which have made him one of the best switch-hitters in history.
To cut to the chase here: Chipper’s BABIP for last season was .287. His line drive rate was 19%. According to the standard BABIP formula (LDr+.120), his BABIP should have been .310. So, Chipper Jones: meaningfully unlucky in 2009. Now calm down, Larry, for fuck’s sake.
Count Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox among those who don’t believe Jones will walk away from two years and $28 million on his contract, which runs through 2012. He signed a three-year, $42 million extension last spring that includes an option for 2013.
Count perfectlydarien.com manager Darien among those who believe it would be a pretty asshole thing for Jones to do to walk out on his contract like that. If he had a good reason, that would be one thing, but for pride and ego? Sack up and do what you agreed to do, man.
Jones’ frustration and talk of retirement came after seeing his batting average drop 100 points last year. He led the National League with his .364 average in 2008 but fell to .264 last season with 31 fewer hits in almost 50 more at-bats.
Batting average is a dumb stat for dummies. But… we’ve covered this, yeah? Lower-than-expected BABIP == fewer hits due to fielders being in the right spot to make lucky snags on line drives.
Most baffling to Jones was he couldn’t blame his decline—including slight dips in homers and RBIs—on injuries. He played in 143 games—his high mark since 2003—and had 488 at-bats. He finished with career-low totals of 18 homers and 71 RBIs, down from 22 and 75 in 2008.
Would somebody teach Chipper Jones how to understand baseball before he starts listening to old Joy Division records and painting his fingernails black? Please?
Jones’ hits, runs, homers and RBIs have declined two straight years. His 22 errors last season were his highest total since 25 in 2000.
Bullshit bullshit bullshit zombie bullshit. I am calling so much bullshit on this I fully expect to see corn growing from it inside of a week. Whoever concocted this gross misuse of stats is a bad person and I am officially firing you. From everything. And I’m going to call St. Peter and make damn sure he puts a big red REJECTED stamp over your name in the Book of Life.
Chipper Jones, 2008: .364 / .470 (!!) / .574 / 1.044, 176 OPS+. He would have been an easy choice for MVP, except that he missed 34 games with injuries. The thing to say about Chipper Jones’ 2008 is "damn, shame he got hurt," not "oh look, he only got 160 hits in the process of getting on base half the goddamn time."
"I’m not going to stick around and be a role player. I’m not going to play the game just to earn a check. I want to produce. I want to be good. That’s all there is to it."
Hate to break it to you, Chipper, but if you keep on like this, not only will you become a role player, you’ll probably become a LARPer and start hanging out at Hot Topic.
March 1st, 2010
Posted by
Darien |
Baseball |
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