Screw Rome
I only remember two things about middle school. The first thing I remember is punching a whole lot of dudes — that was pretty much the heyday for my bionic punching fist. Back in middle school, if you and your flying robot sidekick punch somebody’s face off, they send you home for the day, which is a totally sweet way to get out of having to spend your day in middle school. It took me a while to get to terms with the idea that, once you’re not in middle school anymore, punching somebody’s face off can get you sent to jail, or, as I call it, middle school for grown-ups. So I don’t bionic-punch people so much anymore.
The other thing I remember about middle school is that Mega Man X came out. I remember this clearly because I knew a lot of kids who, in between bouts of getting punched, enjoyed thinking it was called Mega Man Ten. As anybody with a modicum of sense can tell, that’s stupid. It’s clearly Mega Man Ecks. It’s about a robot called X, for pity’s sake. And the previous game in the series was Mega Man 6, right? I had one dude actually tell me that, since there were six NES Mega Man games and four Game Boy Mega Man games, it was Mega Man Ten. I asked him why, if his idiotic theory were correct, it wouldn’t be Mega Man 11 instead. I never found out, though, because he was too busy being punched to answer.
Then Mega Man X2 came out, which you’d think would put the nail in the ankle once and for all — I mean, it’s not exactly the case that anybody would be stupid enough to make a game called like Mega Man Ten Two. I mean, except for these assholes.
What I’m getting at is that I’m officially declaring a moratorium on roman numerals. If you didn’t notice from my edgy, unpredictable, hard-hitting coverage of Final Fantasy 13, I am just not playing along anymore. I’m sick of it. I’m retiring from the game of trying to figure out which game in the series Final Fantasy MCMXLVIII is. From now on I’m adopting the common-sense proposition of referring to them by actual number, since, if Roman numerals were so great, maybe those goddamn cavemen would still be around.
This applies to world leaders and popes, also. Though Queen Elizabeth Two might not be too hard to figure out, I’m sick of Henry Eight and Benedict Sixteen and Malcolm Ten screwing me up with their indecipherable Roberta Williams rubrics. Also, I’m sick of how all the weapons in Mass Effect — or, as I call it, Thousand Ass Effect — have inscrutable crazy names like HWMP XVII. How about Vorpal Sniper Rifle +5, Nine Lives Stealer? At least that one I won’t end up calling Hump Sixteen.
You know who else pisses me off? Switzerland. I’m blaming them for clocks. In particular, I’m blaming them for those idiotic clocks that can’t even figure out what roman numerals to put where, and so I end up with like some fucking IIII nonsense that, last I checked, isn’t even a correct roman numeral. Is IIII French for IV? I don’t care. Hey Switzerland, if you can’t do it right, sack up and put a 4 there.
While we’re talking about Final Fantasy 13, I hear it has this asshole in it. Just something those of you who may have just bought it might want to keep in mind. Also, I hear DVDs make pretty compelling shotgun targets. Just sayin’.
Yeah, screw you too, Jim Rome. The new age of common sense has begun.
