The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

Everybody’s doing the Claptrap

So I boot up Claptrap’s New Robot Revolution — the new Borderlands expansion — and what’s the very first thing that happens? Hey, look, Dr. Wackypants herself, Patricia Tannis. Tannis was arguably the most annoying NPC in the original Borderlands, and the locus of the most insufferable bits of self-consciously zany Borderlands faux-humour, so I wouldn’t have been terribly sad if maybe I ran into anybody else first. Alas.

No, that’s a lie; the first thing that happens is the intro cutscene, which eschews the in-universe style of the Mad Moxxi / General Knoxx intro cutscenes in favour of the weird "storybook" style used in the original game and in Dr. Ned. I’m in favour of this; the odd narrative bookends kind of give the game a subtle surreality, like the whole thing’s just a wild tale Marcus made up. Which is more interesting than listening to Mad Moxxi’s face or watching the Michael Bay trailer they opened General Knoxx with.

I’ve only sunk a couple of hours into Claptrap so far, but to date, it appears to be Borderlands. So, if you figured that Gearbox was going to sneak Duke Nukem Forever in here somewhere, well hey, crisis averted. As far as I’ve played, this appears to be the "purest" of the four expansions in that it’s the most like the original game; it doesn’t have Dr. Ned’s melee-mob horror-movie focus, Mad Moxxi’s bizarre idea about how the arena encounters in the original game were fun, or General Knoxx’s incessant fucking driving levels. The new mobs are fun so far, and the plot (such as it is) appears to be thick enough to suit Borderlands. It also looks like it’ll be wrapping up some loose ends from the main game’s ending, so I’m guessing this is the last expansion they’ll put out. Borderlands is about two years old now anyhow, so I reckon Gearbox is about due for the sequel in any event.


September 29th, 2010 Posted by | Games | no comments

Seriously, Ken, just go away

Ken Burns’ original, dreadful, insufferable baseball documentary is like sixty fucking hours long. I’m serious — the thing is like unwatchably long, and, even if you were to try to watch it, you’ll be passed out from boredom and then dead. Why on earth did he make this boring thing so shitheadedly long? Why, so he wouldn’t have to make a sequel, of course! Ken Burns’ hubris is sufficient that he just assumed that he’d summarise all the baseballings of ever in one megalodocumentariacal heap, and then he’d move on, content that his reputation as a true artiste who never bows to crass commercialism and makes the dreaded sequel would be held intact.

So the sequel came out the other day, which is just great. And, let me tell you, it’s a mess; apparently it’s not just maudlin and sappy and mindbendingly dull like the original, but also it’s just plain old wrong about almost everything. Excelsior! Example: did you know that steroids were deregulated in the 90s, and that’s why baseball is completely broken and ruined now? Yeah, I didn’t know that either. And neither did Matt Welch, who absolutely tears Burns a new asshole for his po-faced attempt to exploit baseball to push his pet political agenda.

Everybody knows of my distaste for terrible sports journalism, I imagine. But you know who’s the fucking worst? Keith Olbermann, that’s who. Because when he’s not being an ignoramus about baseball, he’s being an ignoramus about politics, so I have him coming at me from two directions at once. Fuck off and die, Kieth Olbermann.


September 29th, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | no comments