The Genius Speaks!
You know who sucks right now? At the baseball, I mean? The Ft. Louis Fatinals, that’s who. Well, seems some members of the baseball media had the damned audacity to ask Tony La Russa — High Potentate of Baseball Brilliance — what the problem is. And, in characteristic genius fashion, he flipped out at them, yelled a whole bunch of nonsense words, and then stormed out of the press conference. Let’s pile on!
Face red and arms gesturing, La Russa said it was unfair to compare this season’s start to last year’s second-half woes.
Stop picking on me, you meanies! Unfair unfair! So what if my team sucked then and sucks again now? Totally different.
La Russa took a long pause after a question about the team’s offseason efforts to improve the lineup. He then went on a closing rant that clocked in at 50 seconds by appealing to viewers that it’s way too early to be drawing any conclusions.
Yeah, just because their best pitcher’s out for the year and nobody on the team’s hitting a lick? Way too early to decide this is a shit team.
For everybody listening out there, do you think I’m being unreasonable?
You’re screaming at the reporters, Tony. So, yes, we all think you’re being unreasonable. You’re being an ass, in fact.
Now you’re going tell me that Yadier doesn’t drive in big runs?
Ah, starting with clurch. Good ol’ Tony. Never mind that Yadier is an execrable hitter — he has an entire wardrobe full of his National Clutch League Clutchatron Awards. Dude must be super fucking clutch.
Yadier Molina, career WPA: -3.07
Oh. That’s pretty fucking bad. So, yeah, Tony, I am going to tell you that Yadier doesn’t drive in big runs. Turns out he’s even worse in the clutch than he is all the time!
Are you going to tell me Albert can’t hit?
No, this one I’ll give you. Your team does have the best player in baseball, even if he did make eight (eight!) outs on opening day. Good job mentioning him second.
Are you going to tell the second baseman and shortstops haven’t hit?
Tony, seriously. Your second baseman and shortstop are so bad you don’t even know what their names are. Here’s how I imagine Tony La Russa fills out his lineup card:
C – Y. Molina
1B – A. Pujols
2B – S. Baseman
3B – D. Freese
SS – F. Last
LF – C. Rasmus
CF – C. Rasmus
RF – C. Rasmus
DH – M. McGwire
But seriously, Tony, I envy you. Because if you did know who your middle infielders are, you’d probably get so drunk you fall asleep in the middle of an intersection. You know, again.
Your second baseman is a fellow called Skip Schumaker. Here is what he has done so far this year (small sample size, obviously, but it’s what we’re talking about):
.278 / .316 / .333 / .649, 83 OPS+, -1 TZ, -2 DRS
That’s pretty bad. But I imagine his career numbers are a lot better, right?
.291 / .348 / .383 / .731, 95 OPS+, -14 TZ, -17 DRS, 3.9 (career!) WAR
Wow. Okay, but I’m sure your shortstop is liquid awesome, right? Well, Toni, you know I wouldn’t lie to you. Your shortstop — and I use the term in the loosest possible sense — is one Ryan Wilhelm Theriot. Yeah, the same guy the Cubs replaced with a fourteen-year-old illegal immigrant who makes a hundred errors a year. What kind of quality play are you getting from the Riot?
2011: .211 / .318 / .211 / .529. 52 OPS+, -1 TZ, -2 DRS
Zoiks. I won’t bother with his career numbers — seriously, they’re exactly the fucking same as Schumaker’s, except that Riot is an average defensive 2B. Which would be great, except that you’re playing him at shortstop.
Long story short: yes, I’m telling you these guys can’t hit.
David Freese, you don’t think he’s going to hit?
You’re just reading down the lineup card, aren’t you, Tony. Classic. Anyhow, David Freese hasn’t had a full season in the majors, but in limited playing time he’s accumulated a career OPS+ of 105. So, I guess he can literally hit, sure. But he’s not really much better at it than your average non-Fatinals hitter.
You think Matt’s (Holliday) going to hit?
No I don’t. Because he had an emergency appendectomy and can’t play right now. Shouldn’t you know that? Looks like he’s recovering surprisingly quickly, though! Ever noticed that about the Fatinals? How they seem to recover from injuries much more quickly than everybody else? I wonder why that is.
You think Colby’s (Rasmus) going to hit?
Probably about 5% better than Omar Infante, yeah.
You think (Lance) Berkman’s going to hit?
Yeah, probably. He’s fine. Old, but fine. Probably get 120 OPS+ out of him. He’s going to give it all back on defense, though; you’re seriously playing the guy in the outfield? Good luck.
Oh, and, Allen Craig? Tony says fuck you. He doesn’t know who you are, or remember that you’ve been doing a damn fine job hitting for Matt Holliday while he megadoses on HGH recovers surprisingly quickly yet all-naturally.
The answer’s no to all those things? I mean, did you accomplish your goal?
Did I, personally, accomplish my goal? My goal was to make fun of you. So… yes. Thanks for thinking of me, Tony! Makes me feel even worse for poor Allen Craig, though.
Three or four times you ask, so I get excited, get upset? I mean that’s not fair, that really isn’t.
Poor baby. I guess we all forgot that you work pro bono teaching these poor kids from the mean streets how to play baseball so maybe they can make something of themselves one day. We should save our goddamn "questions" for guys who make millions of dollars to get $80 million worth of baseball players to play baseball correctly and clearly aren’t getting the job done.
