There are no words for this level of awful
Or, at least, I thought there weren’t. But I have been proven wrong.
ALDS game 1 and Yankee Stadium is not close to capacity. Many of the prime seats are empty, so it’s time to troll the internet for hi-larious articles about the prices at Yankee Stadium. And what do I see? Some clown called Dave Astor has written the worst article of all time. It’s so bad it honestly does stand apart from the rest of the pablum on the excruciatingly terrible Huffington Post, which is no mean feat. This article is not new — it was written in April — but it is so amazingly bad I really need to call it out.
Earlier this month, I blasted the New York Yankees for making many tickets in their new stadium too expensive for the average fan. Since then, quite a few of these pricey seats — which sell for up to $2,625 a pop, with no discount for mom — have remained empty.
This is the Huffington Post, so there’s an unstated assumption underlying this argument, which is that all things have a Correct And True Price that is known a priori to everybody and which we all agree on, and that also mothers should get a discount. Ignore that. It’s stupid, but beyond the scope of this post. I’d like to pay some attention to his asinine pricing argument, though; is it only the Yankees who can’t offer a premium version of their product for people willing to pay more? Is the pricing theory at work here that every seat should cost the same amount of money? This would make Yankee Stadium exactly the same as no other major league ballpark. Have you ever taken time off from whining about Yankee Stadium and gone to see one of New York’s rather famous musical plays? Have you noticed that the better seats cost more there, too? For fuck’s sake, man, even the Warhammer 40k rulebook came in a special more-expensive edition with added bells and whistles. Get over it.
Also, by the way, bleacher seats are available at Yankee Stadium for $14. Not a bargain exactly, but not going to break anybody’s budget. And you know what would happen if they lowered the price for the good seats? That’s right, Charlie: they’d have to raise the price for the cheap seats. Price equality wouldn’t mean all seats are $14, nimrod.
My reaction to this? BWAHAHA!
… What? "BWAHAHA?" Seriously, you’re going with that? That’s awful writing even by the Huffington Post’s standards. If you don’t watch it, some asshole will make fun of you on his blog.
Given that the team’s super-rich owners used taxpayer subsidies to help finance their gilded ballpark, it serves them right that they’re losing some revenue.
Yes, they did. As did every other sports team owner — not just in baseball, but all major sports — of the last 50 years. Not that I’m saying that makes it right. I’m just saying singling out the Yankees for not bucking an established trend of getting free handout money is a little bit perverse and blinkered.
I’ve written about this before. Yes, it is a bad thing that taxpayer money goes to finance the construction of new stadiums, but it makes no sense to blame that on the sports teams. Blame the politicians who took that money away from the people who earned it and gave it to the rich teamowners. But of course you can’t, because you’d have to own up to the fact that social engineering has, as it always does, once again failed. And since this is the Huffington Post, that is not going to occur.
That section didn’t have enough jokes in it. So here’s a bonus joke: the New York Mets. BWAHAHA!
Yet I’m haunted by the question of what these empty seats can be used for instead.
This won’t end well.
One possibility would be for Yankee owners to withdraw their huge fortunes from the bank and stack this cash on the empty seats. The money would no longer earn interest, of course, but it would earn a different kind of interest from people in the cheaper seats who want their tax money back. I can almost hear a recession-slammed fan calling out to a stadium vendor: "Give me a wad of twenties with on a bun with mustard!" More fiber than a hot dog, and it’s always good to "go green."
I won’t lie: I think this is my favourite part of the whole article. The joke never works — not even right at the beginning — and Astor seems to sense that, but he doesn’t appear to have any idea how to fix it. So he keeps trying to add another punchline on to the end, like he’s vainly hoping that if he just digs deep enough, he’ll strike gold. And somehow, defying all the odds, it just continues to get dumber. Do they make a Ford C. Frick award for really awful writing? That paragraph wins. And it will win again next year.
Or each empty seat could become a luxury condo. Sure, these upscale dwellings would be a bit small, but no smaller than most studio apartments in Manhattan. And with the U.S. government doing all that wiretapping, who has privacy anymore anyway?
I… holy shit. Just what do you think you’re doing, Dave? Focus, man. You’re losing your point and just kind of starting to babble. You’re supposed to be hating the Yankees today. You can hate Manhattan and the government in your next column, tentatively entitled "When I’m the king of the world, I’ll live in a huge house and never have to clear my browser history again. And also George Steinbrenner will pay for the house."
(Those two "any" words in a row leave me just 54 short of Joe DiMaggio’s famous hitting streak of 1941 — when the old Yankee Stadium turned 18, got drafted, and received the boot-camp training that enabled it to join the Normandy Invasion three years later. The ballpark was surprisingly agile when running up Omaha Beach.)
I… what? I really, honestly can’t tell what part of that, if any, is supposed to be a joke. You ever do a chain story, like in English class back in high school? This reminds me of the sort of thing you’d end up with. Except not as funny.
You could also fill the stadium’s lower deck with a few tons of sand and turn those pricey empty seats into beach chairs. Such a scenario would require diverting the Atlantic Ocean onto the field. As the grounds crew performs its once-a-game ritual of smoothing the infield dirt to the strains of "YMCA," that Village People song would become a plaint for swimming lessons.
I do not think that word means what you think it means. Seriously, Dave. Just because a word is longer or fancier or old-timeyer or just plain more obscure doesn’t mean it’s better.
The comedy moment being, of course, that that is probably the very least objectionable thing about that entire paragraph. Do you need help, Dave? Because this is nonsense, and not even funny nonsense. Is this like in Firefly, where River wrote a bunch of nonsense gibberish bullshit and it was really a secret code telling her family she was in trouble? Because, based on what I’ve seen… I’m not coming for you, Dave. Sorry. They can keep you.
One more possibility: The new stadium’s pricey empty seats could be used to store old blog posts when the "Internets" fills up.
Nice irony quotes around your ironic use of the ironic word "Internets" there, Dave. But next time maybe try something a little bit more ironic, like "Interwebs" or "Intertubes." Also, try pluralising your verb, you fucking moron.
Blog posts wouldn’t mind traveling through congested streets to reach the ballpark, because traffic makes them happy. And blog posts wouldn’t mind watching high-scoring games, because hits are important to them. Blog posts DO mind bad puns, which means I better end this piece now.
No, it means you better rethink this piece and maybe not submit it. Even the Huffington Post might have standards.
Comedy value: he doesn’t end the fucking piece there! There is one more pithy line left to go:
Got any other potential uses for the pricey empty seats at Yankee Stadium? You can offer your suggestions below for a fee that’s $2,625 less than $2,625.
I would suggest using them to build a strong cage in which to contain your crazy ass so you never write another post again.
