The trials and tribulations of game development
I have a lot in common with Mario. We’re both fat and lazy, we were both first introduced in 1981 and subsequently became famous around the the world, we both have a thing for rich blondes with poofy pink dresses, and we both have a disconcerting habit of stomping on anybody who pisses us off. Unless he has spikes, in which case we set him on fire.
I’ve not made a secret of the fact that, other than being famous on the internet, my main hobbies are 1) playing games and 2) making games. Step one is easy. Like Mario, I’ve gotten pretty adept at jumping my way through turtle-infested forests and saving the princess, and, like Mario, I don’t need anybody’s goddamn help because, in this crazy mixed-up world we live in, an army of countless monsters led by a giant fire-breathing hammer-throwing spiked lizard is no match for a fat man with a mission.
Step two is more difficult. In my day I’ve made a ton of games of all descriptions, from board games to card games to RPGs and even gen-yoo-ine go-outside-and-move-your-lazy-ass physical games. I’ve even made a few video games. And there’s the rub: I’d like to make more video games. Better ones. But, like Mario, I’m no damn use as an artist and I suck as a programmer. This is why, traditionally, my actual implemented video games have all been text adventures, and always much shorter than I originally planned. They generally play something like this:
1 CLS
10 PRINT "STEPHEN IS A FAG"
20 GOTO 10
So what I’m saying is they’re funny and awesome but not exactly full of riveting gameplay, much like Conker’s Bad Fur Day — anyone who remembers my classic "Beat Stephen To Death" or "SVPEL REOPALD PANTS STVFFEL BVFFET 3000" knows the sort of thing I’m talking about. They’re text adventures, and the concept and the writing are where they need to be, but they’re short and simplistic because when I get to the programming part it takes massive amounts of effort for me not to kill myself because anything’s more enjoyable than typing 20 GOTO 10 over and over again for hours.
As for art, though you’d never know it from my fabulous comics, I just don’t have what it takes. Like somebody we know who wears a red shirt, red hat, and blue overalls, visual coordination just isn’t my strength. Not that I’m saying Small Man is the limit of my artistic prowess — I can do somewhat better than that, to be sure, but not well enough, and the last thing the world needs is another stupid "ironic" stick-figure video game (of course, it could be argued that the last thing the world needed a few months ago was another stupid "ironic" sitck-figure webcomic, but you’re neglecting to consider that, um, fuck you).
So that gets us to the present, and me sitting on a design I’ve been working on for a while and trying to figure out any conceivable steps to take toward implementation. Any thoughts from the gang? Approaches I haven’t considered that I could try? Or perhaps volunteers? Hey, the ideal candidate would be a programmer / artist keen to work on an amateur "spare time" game project and also ideally a rich blonde with a poofy pink dress. And no spikes!
