Future perfect?
So get this. Last night, Detroit pitcher Armando Galarraga pitched a perfect game, which is the third so far this season, and the fourth in the last twelve months — and only the twenty-first in baseball history. That’s pretty wild all on its own. Also pretty wild: who the fuck is Armando Galarraga?
The wildest part, of course, is that umpire Jim Joyce blew the call on the final out of the game, awarding a single to some damn dude from the Indians when he was clearly out by a furlong. Maybe even a league. Maybe a parsec; you never can be sure with Indians. They’re crafty.
Because preaching is for queers, I’m not going to get involved with the should-he-or-shouldn’t-he debate about Bud Selig overturning the call. Instead, I’ll stick to making fun of people. Let’s start with the Governor of Michigan, Jennifer Granholm, who has issued a proclamation declaring from on high that Galarraga pitched a perfect game, MLB be damned. I mean, seriously; is there any problem the government can’t solve?
Representative John Dingell and his awesome comedy name hope not. Dingell is primed to introduce a resolution in the Congress declaring that Galarraga pitched a perfect game. I mean, holy shit, with both state and federal edicts against them, MLB won’t have a leg to stand on trying to run its business according to its own rules! Get that shit right or the government will take over. That’s the American dream, assholes.
Hell, even the White Ethnically Diverse House is getting involved, with official spokesman Robert Gibbs putting the pressure on. You thought the federal government’s pointless and expensive meddling in steroid use was a pain in the ass, Bud? You ain’t seen nothing yet. I expect that when a few more days have passed and Perfectgamegate really gets going, somebody’s going to propose the creation of a congressional committee to oversee umpiring. Or maybe they’ll just send in the army and impose martial law at all baseball games.
