The Dord of Darien

Ozzie’s mouth is talking

What’s that disorder? That one where your mouth starts talking and it just never stops? Ozzie Guillen has that. And he also has another disorder, the medical name for which is "crazyass." Let’s see what kind of crazy is oozing out of his noise orifice today!

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen thinks Asian players are given privileges in the United States that Latinos are not afforded.

Well, good. At least it’s a new type of senseless race-baiting!

"I say, why do we have Japanese interpreters and we don’t have a Spanish one. I always say that. Why do they have that privilege and we don’t?"

I… what? Ozzie, I guess you’ve never noticed, but nearly thirty percent of all major league baseball players are hispanic — which is just about smack on 200 players — and that’s to say nothing of all the hispanic coaches and trainers and managers and what-have-you. You know what percentage of players are Japanese? 1.867%. There are fourteen. I don’t know about coaches and so forth, but I can’t think of any offhand. So there’s a reason why they bring in Japanese translators and not Spanish translators, Ozzie: there’s going to be somebody around who speaks Spanish who can handle the translating. Japanese… not so much.

"Don’t take this wrong, but they take advantage of us. We bring a Japanese player and they are very good and they bring all these privileges to them. We bring a Dominican kid … go to the minor leagues, good luck. Good luck. And it’s always going to be like that. It’s never going to change. But that’s the way it is."

Ozzie. Listen to me slowly. There. Are. Four. Teen. Japanese. Players. And you know what else? Nine Japanese players currently in the minor leagues. So, really, fuck the heck are you talking about? Also: the Japanese players come up through a different minor league. We call it NPB. There’s a separate draft ("posting," they call it) and everything to cover players coming from NPB.

Guillen, who is from Venezuela, said when he went to see his son, Oney, in Class-A, the team had a translator for a Korean prospect who "made more money than the players."

You know who else makes more money than A-ball players, Ozzie? I make more money than A-ball players, and I don’t do anything nearly as interesting or specialised as translating Korean. Fact is, A-ball players don’t get paid shit. Shouldn’t you know that? I mean, it looks to me like you spent a year (one whole year!) in Class A yourself. Incidentally: it’s hilarious that you only slugged .410 in the PCL, where everybody and his brother can slug .800.

"And we had 17 Latinos and you know who the interpreter was? Oney. Why is that? Because we have Latino coaches? Because here he is? Why? I don’t have the answer."

Sure you do. Those… are the answer. Since, by your own admission, translators aren’t cheap, why should they hire a translator when there’s no need? Oney was there and could do the job. If Oney hadn’t been there, maybe one of the other 17 Latinos would have. Or one of those coaches. Meanwhile, how many other Korean players were there? Do you see? Ozzie?

"We’re in the United States, we don’t have to bring any coaches that speak Spanish to help anybody. You choose to come to this country and you better speak English."

… Uh. Did anybody else have trouble making that sharp turn there? One second ago he was bemoaning how unfair it is that MLB doesn’t pay extraneous Spanish translators, and now he’s hitting the hardcore jingo love-it-or-leave-it card. Fact is, Ozzie, baseball is not like some sort of government "service." Now, I know you’re from Venezuela, where fucking everything is the property of the government, but MLB is a private entity running a business. And if what it needs to keep that business running well is a translator, it’s just going to hire the translator. This is because baseball doesn’t need you to vote for it, so it doesn’t need to pander to your prejudices. Do you see?

"It’s just not the White Sox, it’s baseball. We have a pitching coach that is Latino, but the pitching coach can’t talk about hitting with a Latino guy and that’s the way it is and we have to overcome all those (obstacles)."

I can’t figure out what obscenity Ozzie had in there that got censored to (obstacles). My best guess is that he said "all those bullshit," which doesn’t make any sense, but is about right for Ozzie Guillen.

Also, does anybody have any idea what Ozzie’s point is? He appears to be outraged that his pitching coach isn’t giving hitting instruction. And somehow this is a problem for all of baseball.

"You know why? Because we’re hungry, we grow up the right way, we come here to compete."

I like Ozzie better when he’s ever so slightly more coherent. I really have no idea what he’s talking about here. It seems to be nothing but more stupid chest-thumping macho bullshit, but… I don’t even know what the subject is.

Guillen said young prospects in Latin America are being influenced to use performance-enhancing drugs.

Thanks for the scoop, Ozzie. Imagine; if it weren’t for your hard work, we never would have known that true fact!

"It’s somebody behind the scene making money out of those kids and telling them to take something they’re not supposed to."

Ozzie pulls no punches. That goddamn someone! Making fucking money! Well, at least those young players can feel a little bit better: they didn’t end up trapped in space warped by someone!

"If you tell me, you take this … you’re going to be Vladimir Guerrero, you’re going to be Miguel Cabrera, you’re going to be this guy … I’ll do it. Because I have seven brothers that sleep in the same room. I have to take care of my mother, my dad. … Out of this I’m going to make money to make them better."

Sometimes I get the impression that Ozzie thinks he’s a Lifetime original movie. We fucking know that already, Ozzie. Baseball is the one real chance a lot of people in Latin America have to make something of themselves, and to do something for their families and their friends. And, yeah, they end up taking steroids so they can make the cut, because it seems like a better choice than spending the rest of their lives picking strawberries for Hugo Chavez. You’re not the bearer of any new Great Truths here, man.

"I’m the only one to teach the Latinos about not to use. I’m the only one and Major League Baseball doesn’t (care)."

This time I’m pretty sure he said either "give a shit" or "give a fuck."

"All they care about—how many times I argue with the umpires, what I say to the media. But I’m the only one in baseball to come up to the Latino kids and say not to use this and I don’t get any credit for that."

So your real beef is that you don’t get any credit for being the only person — the only person — saying that steroids are bad? Gee, Ozzie, I can’t think why you don’t get more credit for that.

And, yeah, I’m part of the problem here: I also consider you a figure of fun.

"Ozzie said it, don’t worry about it. If somebody else said it they would be playing that (stuff) every day on the jumbotron. … I’m the only one that came up with that idea."

You heard it here, food friends: Ozzie Guillen is the only one who came up with the idea of not taking steroids. And his career batting statistics back him up.

Guillen also said players from Latin America are considered too old to sign if they’re past 16 or 17, yet college prospects from the U.S. are often signed at age 22 or 23.

Which is why Jose Contreras was 32 when he made his MLB debut. And it’s why legendary brash youth Orlando Hernandez is totally not the oldest man who’s ever lived. Crazyass.

August 1st, 2010 Posted by Darien | Baseball | one comment