PUNCH == YOR HED
Nyjer Morgan — whose name I’m really trying not to make fun of, for the sake of the more touchy-feely members of my vast audience — got hit by a pitch yesterday. Then, next time he came up to the plate, the Marlins promptly threw behind him. He decided he’d had enough of that bullshit, and decked the pitcher, which turned into a benches-clearing brawl. You can see it here, complete with the most insane possible bullshit pouring out of the announcers’ mouths. My favourite line:
The Marlins hit Morgan in a professional manner — they didn’t throw at his head — and then what did he do? He stole second and he stole third an a [sic] eleven-run game, which, generally, you wouldn’t see done.
That’s the craziest moon-logic I’ve ever heard in my life. I refer you to the official rules of baseball, section 8.02, subsection d: "The pitcher shall not Intentionally Pitch at the Batter." The weird capitalisation is in the original.
The official rules of baseball, I am saddened to report, do not contain any such prohibition against stealing bases if you’re down by eleven runs. And you know what else? The unwritten rules don’t contain that either, since that’s complete bullshit. Perhaps you’re thinking of the unwritten rule against stealing bases when you’re up by eleven runs? It doesn’t work the other way around, jackasses. If you’re down by eleven, you need to work like hell to get back in the game, and that means increasing your run expectancy any way you can. Now, Morgan sucks at stealing bases, so from that perspective he shouldn’t be doing it. But it’s not like against any unwritten rules, dumbshoes. And, unlike throwing at the batter — which your guys did twice! — it’s not against any written rules, either.
So in conclusion, you’re stupid. Get out of the baseballs.
UPDATE: Yeah, what he said.
