Seriously, Ken, just go away
Ken Burns’ original, dreadful, insufferable baseball documentary is like sixty fucking hours long. I’m serious — the thing is like unwatchably long, and, even if you were to try to watch it, you’ll be passed out from boredom and then dead. Why on earth did he make this boring thing so shitheadedly long? Why, so he wouldn’t have to make a sequel, of course! Ken Burns’ hubris is sufficient that he just assumed that he’d summarise all the baseballings of ever in one megalodocumentariacal heap, and then he’d move on, content that his reputation as a true artiste who never bows to crass commercialism and makes the dreaded sequel would be held intact.
So the sequel came out the other day, which is just great. And, let me tell you, it’s a mess; apparently it’s not just maudlin and sappy and mindbendingly dull like the original, but also it’s just plain old wrong about almost everything. Excelsior! Example: did you know that steroids were deregulated in the 90s, and that’s why baseball is completely broken and ruined now? Yeah, I didn’t know that either. And neither did Matt Welch, who absolutely tears Burns a new asshole for his po-faced attempt to exploit baseball to push his pet political agenda.
Everybody knows of my distaste for terrible sports journalism, I imagine. But you know who’s the fucking worst? Keith Olbermann, that’s who. Because when he’s not being an ignoramus about baseball, he’s being an ignoramus about politics, so I have him coming at me from two directions at once. Fuck off and die, Kieth Olbermann.