While I’m talking about the A.V. Club
I wasn’t going to comment on this, but I can’t help myself. It’s a review of the Super Mario All-Stars Collector’s Edition that Nintendo just released, and they gave it a big fat F. I’m not going to break out the whole article; I’d just like to call attention to a few choice passages.
Super Mario All-Stars Limited Edition fails on every conceivable level, and a few inconceivable ones, too.
I know, I know. You’ve heard it before. But still: that is some terrible fucking writing right there. That’s like sub-Baylessian shit. You’re closing in on Woody Paige territory, A.V. Club.
Other than the option to use the Wii controller, the game is exactly as it was in 1993, when the ability to save your game on Nintendo titles was revolutionary. All-Stars Limited Edition touts "enhanced graphics and updated sound from the Super NES game," which at the time meant rounding Mario’s 8-bit exterior and adding smiles to background clouds. It killed the throwback feel of the games in 1993, and it makes the game look and sound sad today.
Of course, we’ll gloss over the part where he straight-up lies about the graphical changes made to All-Stars, and jump right on into the meat of this point: this moron thinks the 1993 overhaul of the graphics and sound in Super Mario Bros. was a bad thing. And for some reason he gets paid to write about video games.
The games, of course, are great, as they have always been.
Let that sink in.
The games, of course, are great, as they have always been.
The games, of course, are great, as they have always been.
The games, of course, are great, as they have always been.
The games, of course, are great, as they have always been.
The games are great! So we’ll give them an F. These people get paid to review video games.
In fact, they’re great right now, sold separately in the WiiWare store with actual retro graphics—for a much lower price.
Three points, here:
• On Wiiware, they’re five bucks each. That’s $20 total, which isn’t "much lower" the the $30 Nintendo’s charging for the collection, which has updated graphics, saving, a soundtrack CD (which you were apparently offended by), and a "history of Mario" booklet (which, also, you were apparently offended by).
• SNES graphics count as retro now. I’m sorry they’re not retro enough for hipster faggots such as yourself, but they’re still retro. Also, you’ve alternated this whole article between complaining that they upgraded the graphics in the first place and complaining that they didn’t upgrade them again.
• Do you see where it’s called "Collector’s Edition?" That’s what it is, champ: it’s an edition for collectors. Like, a limited-run thing bundled with extras and aimed at enthusiasts.
I’m serious. Why do you people get paid? It boggles the fucking mind. How can a game reveiwer come right out and admit that a game is great — that a game is, in fact, four separate great games — and give it the lowest possible grade and not get fired? How can a game reviewer tell multiple obvious lies in a game review and not get fired?
Here’s the real lowdown on the Mario All-Stars Collector’s Edition, from somebody who won’t give it an F just because it’s not free or on the Xbox: it’s fine. If you’re a Mario collector, or you kind of want to play Mario All-Stars but your SNES copy’s from fucking 1993 and the battery doesn’t work anymore, it’s exactly what you want. It’s nothing new, but for a $30 collector’s item with some great games on it, I mean, what’s the problem?
