Congratulations to Bert Blyleven
By which I mean "Hall of Famer Bert Blyleven," and it’s about goddamn time. Bert debuted at 14% in Hall of Fame voting, which is pretty much surefire not-gonna-make-it territory. But fourteen years of howling from people who understand baseball finally pushed him over the 75% marker, and now ushers in a new era which will be marked by fourteen years of howling from Colin Cowherd about what a bad pick he was. Note to Colin Cowherd: go fuck your fucking self. With Marge Schott’s dick, if you can manage it.
Congratulations also go to Robbie Alomar, who, after one grueling year, finally made the Hall. Check his percentages: 73.7% last year, 90% this year. Wow, that’s a lot of sportswriters who did a lot of extra research and formed better opinions this year, isn’t it? No it goddamn isn’t. What that is is the immense proportion of Hall of Fame voters who are idiot assholes — people who thought Robbie should be in the Hall last year too, but didn’t vote for him because they didn’t want him to be unanimous, or because they didn’t think he deserved to be a first-balloter. These things are moronic. If you think he should be in the Hall, you vote yes. That is the job you are being tasked with. Not "determine what percentage of the ballot he should be elected with and in what year." Dummies.
No congratulations are in order for Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Gonzalez, or Jeff Bagwell, none of whom came anywhere near 75%. And you goddamn well know why. Now let’s talk about how stupid it is.
Mark McGwire did steroids. We know that for a fact. He admitted it in a weepy interview with Bob Costas last year. Mark McGwire was also one of the best hitters in the history of hitting things. And can I tell you a secret? Nearly everybody in baseball for a hundred years used amphetamines. Dock Ellis once threw a no-hitter on LSD. Dave Parker and Darryl Strawberry did cocaine. Gaylord Perry threw the spitball. Mickey Mantle drank himself into oblivion. Joseph Leonard Morgan himself was once caught with a corked bat. Oh, and: Ty Cobb stabbed a dude. Just a few things to keep in mind while you’re condemning Mark McGwire for his horrible actions that brought disgrace to baseball.
Raffy may have done steroids. We don’t really know. He failed a test, but has never admitted to anything. So here are a few things to consider:
One: There are such things as false positives, and Raffy failed a test. One test. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same number of PED tests everybody has already forgotten that David Ortiz failed. Could this be because David Ortiz is Boston’s beloved smiling Big Papi, and Raffy Palmeiro is an asshole with a sleazy mustache? It is a mystery.
Two: Raffy has stayed completely consistent in his denial, and his insistence on the totally weird cover story that Miguel Tejada slipped a mickey into his vitamin, um, injection. Which, while totally weird, is just possible.
Three: Raffy’s failed drug test came in 2005. At the very very end of his career. This is not evidence that he was juicing during the meat of his career, when he was actually putting up his Hall of Fame numbers.
Four: Get over it, assholes.
Juan Gone is a step farther down the line than even Palmeiro — he never admitted to anything, and never failed any tests for anything. The only evidence we have that Juan did a goddamn thing is that Jose Canseco says so, and — need I remind you — Jose Canseco is garbage. Jose Canseco accused basically everybody who ever lived of using steroids, and did it in totally unbelievable ways: "yeah, man, we all got together at Roger Clemens’ house and had these sweet steroid parties and talked about how awesome we were for juicing! Then we went snowboarding down a mountain shaped like Wade Boggs’ face." It was ridiculous. Then like two of the dudes he named actually turned out to be juicing, and everybody decided that was proof that Canseco is the new baseball Jesus. Fuck off, Jose. We’re done with you. Sadly, we’re probably also done with Juan Gonzalez, who was really good but only got thirty votes, which was, like, just a hair over five percent.
Jeff Bagwell is even farther down the ladder than Gonzalez — there is no evidence at all, anywhere, ever that Jeff Bagwell did anything wrong. He’s never been accused of anything, never tested positive for anything, never admitted to anything, doesn’t have some shady goddamn cousin who comes to pick him up from games and just happens to be a major steroid pusher in the Dominican Republic. Nothing. And yet, he got only 41% of the vote because, according to many voters, they don’t "feel comfortable" voting on anybody who even may have used steroids. Just so we’re clear, here, I sent an e-mail to God about this, and he told me in no uncertain terms that you people are going to Hell. I mean, I’m just sayin’.
Now, Bagwell’s not a shoe-in, and, without the ridiculous faux-moralising ("Robbie Alomar may have intentionally given a woman AIDS, but at least he never took drugs that would make him better at his job! A+! Bagwell… uh-oh, he was a big strong guy. F-!") I could totally get behind not voting for him. He was super good, but he was completely cooked at like 35. Still and all, Jim Rice is in, and Bagwell is very much a Jim Rice kind of player. And keeping him out because you aren’t 100% certain he didn’t use steroids is a special kind of stupid.
Robbie Alomar retired one year before Jeff Bagwell, you know. You can’t be 100% sure he didn’t use steroids either. Just sayin’.
35 was kind of the age everybody got cooked at back before everybody started juicing and playing until they were 50!
Comment by Dave | 5 January 2011