Breaking news: Cubs trade for Cubs-y player in Cubs-y deal!
Ever think the Yankees and the Cubs should just have a merger? Put them together, you’d have a pretty good team. The Cubs have a great catcher and great starting pitching, the Yankees have great position players, and combine them and you can probably make a serviceable bullpen (I’m guessing you keep Joba and Mo from the Yankees, Woody, Marmol, and Marshall from the Cubs — that’s almost enough!). The Cubs could provide the manager, and the Yankees could provide the batshit crazy owner. Perfect!
What was I talking about? Oh, right — how the Cubs just traded five prospects to enhance their depth at the one fucking position they don’t need it: starting pitcher. Matt Garza’s a very Cubs kind of pitcher — complete crazy man, with the emotions and the tantrums and all that, and peripherals that genuinely worry people who care about things like that. But, like Carlos Zambrano and Ted Lilly before him, he consistently outperforms his FIP and xFIP, which… well, I don’t know if it’s a skill, per se, but if it is, it’s the skill Jim Hendry is best at scouting. Comedy bonus: as of 2010, he features a two-seam fastball! Ryan Dumpster also started throwing a two-seamer in 2010. So did Tom Gorzelanny. So did Randy Wells. Carlos Silva picked his up way back in the bygone days of 2009. And Carlos Zambrano? He’s always had it, but as of 2010 he throws it way way more often. So, great! A whole rotation with one pitch. One pitch that generates a lot of goddamn groundballs. You think you midgets up the centre could learn how to play defense this year? Last year’s squad never got it figured out.
So I’m glad the Cubs are locking down every head-case starting pitcher in the world, but wouldn’t it be nice if they added a hitter? Here’s the lineup they’ll be rolling out there in 2011, with their 2010 OPS+ added as a sort of comedy underscore:
C: Geovany Soto (131)
1B: Carlos Peña (102)
2B: Blake DeWitt (91)
3B: Aramööse Ramirez (92)
SS: Starlin Castro (97)
LF: Alfonso Soriano (110)
CF: Marlon Byrd (102)
RF: Kosuke Fukudome (111)
Yikes. Or, as the Germans would say — assuming the Germans were into baseball like the Dutch are — das yikes. Other than the catcher, that ain’t anything like what you want to see. Fonzie and Kosuke were pretty good, but aren’t they corner outfielders? Don’t you want a bit more pop out of dudes who play positions so low on the defense totem pole? Especially when you pay them $17 million and $14 million, respectively? They combined for three wins last year. Granted, they both sat for parts of the season (because the Cubs were carrying seven outfielders and Lou had long since stopped giving a goddamn), but come on.
And the bullpen? They brought Woody back, which is cool, but even assuming he’s healthy enough to play any baseball — which is always uncertain with Woody — that’s still basically a three-man bullpen. Or are you planning to put Zambrano in there again? If they liked it once, they’ll love it twice!
