Lies from the mainstream media
You’ve heard them all. They’re trying to downplay what really happened. They’re afraid people will panic. Well, if you’re the type of person who panics when unexplainable supernatural forces reach their cold, dead hands into your ordinary life, then you better get the fuck ready to panic right now. And when I say "right now," I really mean four days ago.
The Rapture? Totally did happen. But in an ironic twist, the only person Raptured was me. Gotta admit: I pretty much saw that one coming. But here’s a message for all you suckers from my new doubles partner, the Lord: better luck next dispensation!
Tell you the truth? You didn’t really miss all that much. Turns out the whole thing was just a big time share presentation anyhow. They wanted to sell me "vacation ownership" in some big damn resort they’re building up there. Kind of an offer you can’t refuse, really, so now I’m the proud owner of one week of Heaven every year, with an option to exchange it for a week in, you know… some other place.
In other news, I’m back from being Raptured now. What’s been happening in this dispensation? To the Mets, I mean. Wait, Fred Wilpon did what?
