01-22-03: Origin of the Species

dera ghaleon,
i am 15 and my byofriend is soooooooooo cute but yestreday i saw him kissing britany murray behind teh gym. i am all angsty........... what shuld i do????
--bigflirt69@aol.com

Pigflirt,
You are a pathetic waste of human life. Your boyfriend doesn't really love you, and wouldn't even remember you if you walked out of his stale existence right now. Do you know what people are saying about the two of you? Nothing! Nothing at all! Because you're useless! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

yo, wassup ghaleon?
which do u like more? eminem or snopp dogg? i say snoop dogg cuz he's black.
keepin' it real in da hiz-ouse,
--t-dawg

T-bag,
I like nothing but fairies, mortal. Besides, we had none of this garbage you call music a thousand years ago, when I ruled the world! Mooohooohahahahahahaha! And before long, you won't ever have it again! Once my plans come to beautiful fruition, the world shall be remade as it should be, and all music shall be my music!

Dear Mr. Ghaleon,
Two weeks ago, my next door neighbour, "Mrs. Smith," "borrowed" my hedge clippers. I don't really care for Mrs. Smith (her dreadful children like to run over and trample my petunias), but I couldn't really say that I had lost them again. As should be expected, she has not yet returned them.
Normally I would just buy a new pair, but this pair was the last thing my late husband bought for me before he drank the bottle of Drano, so they have sentimental value.
I've tried dropping subtle hints to Mrs. Smith, but she seems oblivious. I don't want to make a scene, but I want my clippers back! What should I do?
Sincerely,
--Clipperless in Chicago

"Dragonmaster" Clipperless,
She must be dealt with most harshly indeed. There is no room for those who would steal hedge clippers in my new order! Rest assured your hedge clippers will be back by morning. But remember - one day I shall collect on this... little favour. Ha ha ha haaaa.

Ghaleon,
I'm having a real problem. I am the GRAND VIZIER OF ALL THAT IS EVIL but I keep having my great EVIL PLANS OF ALL THAT IS EVIL interrupted by a certain muscle-bound sailor. Making matters worse, I can't get gems of great power to BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE! when I want them to. Any hints?
Yours in Evil,
--Bonkers in Bas-Ra
P.S.: I'm also having trouble with a certain lady friend of mine who is the PRINCESS OF ALL THAT IS PURE AND LOVELY. I've tried enslaving her father, taking over a kingdom and even using a brainwashing machine. HA!!! Still she rejects me. What can I do!?

Useless in Bas-Ra,
As they say: been there, done that. Only, in my case, it was the goddess of all that is pure and lovely. But I suppose some of us must settle for mere princesses; after all, not everyone possesses my supreme magical power! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! As for the sailor, I'd suggest that you materialise nearby and taunt him mercilessly. Just because I'm such a nice guy, I'll provide you with a sample of some of my best taunting work here. And if things aren't budging for you, then eat some roughage already. Honestly.

Dear Ghaleon,
I know that, as a hero, I should not be seeking your council, but I fear I have exhausted every other avenue. I have even asked the lady Galadriel, but she would not divulge her secrets. So let me ask you this: how do you keep your hair so silky-smooth even while in the midst of great adventures? I rarely have time for a good conditioning, let alone a trip to the stylist. I appreciate any help you can offer.
Yrs trly,
--Legolas

Legolamb,
Pantene.

That's all for now, humans. If you have any important business that truly needs my expert attention, all you need to do is click here and type it in the box that pops up. Mystic forces will deliver your question directly to me! Witness the power of my magic, fools! Your so-called "technology" is nothing compared to me! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa!