02-13-06: Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am!

Well, here I am again in this miserable hovel, wasting my valuable time - time I could spend enslaving gods and conquering worlds, you know - writing this garbage collection for what would be any decent world's worst web site, but which I suppose passes for adequate around here. In my not-entirely-regrettable absence, it appears that my backlog of mail mysteriously vanished, which is a real shame. So if your question never got answered, it was eaten by dragons. Enough! On with it already!

Dear Ghaleon,
I'll get straight to the point. I've recently discovered that I may not, in fact, live forever. In addition to this, my son was devoured by giant evil bugs. So you can see I have a lot on my mind. My question is: I already have long hair, pointed ears, and an odd skin tone. Is that sufficient to express my angst, or do I need to do more?
Yours etc.,
--F. Staghelm

St. Faghelm,
Eaten by giant evil bugs? That's the funniest fate I've heard in a thousand years. Your son must have been a genuine moron! So cheer up, it's not like you lost anyone productive. I doubt he'd have made a capable vassal in the salt mines even. And I'm real sorry to hear about that whole mortality thing. Want to hear a story? I used to be the emperor of the whole world, and then I died. Then I came back to life. Then I died again. Then I came back to life AGAIN, and now I have an office job and I answer stupid questions from insipid garbage like yourself. So, yeah, I really feel your pain. And as for the long hair, odd skintone, and pointed ears: I'd stick with that. I don't think it's ever been done before. Idiot.

Citizen Ghaleon,
I am the leader of the free world, and I am having a bit of trouble. The continuing expense involved with destroying enemy nations seems to be a bit high. I need a solution that involves one-time outlay. Any suggestions?
--G.W.

W.G. Fields,
Oh, "citizen" now. How wonderful for me. Legendary hero, Magic Emperor, Dragonmaster, and now citizen. Will the honorifics never cease? As for your prattle, I suggest building a giant tank-fortress powered by the living essence of four great dragons. I was once able to shoot a magical empire out of the sky with a machine like that; even a nincompoop such as yourself should be able to lay waste to terrestrial cities. Especially if the people defending them are as useless as you! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Dear Ghaleon,
Several years back, I lent a parcel of items to a friend of mine. This included a copy of the excellent video game Lunar 2: Eternal Blue. This friend, despite my prodding, still has yet to return it to me. What can I do about this?
--Missing Package

No Package to Speak of,
Flattery, mortal, will get you nowhere. Have you never heard the expression "neither a borrower nor a lender be?" Oh, that's right: you're a moron! Ha ha ha ha ha! Well, don't worry; that saying was written by a moron too. Fact is, being a borrower is great, because the lenders take it in the shorts when you don't return their property.

Ghaleon,
Vhy are you be coming back? Zees vebsite ees only room for ONE evil dictator und zat ees ME. Vhy don't you go back to being zee death already und leave zee evil und zee plotting to zee PROPER villains mit zee PROPER eyebrows!
--Dr. Wily

Dr. Whiney,
Listen, Igor, my patience is rapidly running out with you and your pathetic rants. Soon I may have to show you the true power of the Magic Emperor! Hoohoohahahaha! Now hear this, all ridiculous little toads who would presume to challenge the might of Ghaleon: you are nothing before me! Did I fail to mention that I used to rule the world? I built this big tank out of dragons. Dragons, Wily. I know, I know; you built a tank once that looked like a dragon. How many cities did you shoot out of the sky with that? Oh, I remember now! None! None at all! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Also, why do you type in dialect? That's not right.

NI HAO,
WTS [Foror's Compendium of Dragon Slaying] PST
--Susan

Susan Susanadana,
Reported.

Well, fools, that's all the presence I deign to grace you with today. If you can't get enough of me - and, frankly, who can? - you can attempt to contact me through the void by hovering here and focussing your energy through your mouse chakras. Just keep in mind that the internet is full of dragons who like to eat stupid questions. And if I have my way about it, they'll start eating the senders as well! Bwa ha ha ha ha!