Old News: Page Three

Song and Dance (08-22-03): I only just noticed the effusive praise on my message forum. It's good to see that it's finally being used for its intended purpose: discussing how great I am. I'm so great, I may even get around to finishing the script I've halfway-written to replace it, which, in theory, should not be plagued by the same cripping mystery bug. I'm so great, I may even be able to transfer the old messages to the new board (since I wouldn't want people to miss out on the old effusive praise and all). Also, I'm so vain, I bet I think this site is about me. Don't I? Don't I?

Same Old (08-21-03): Here we go again with the formmail nonsense. Don't you people have anything better to do?

Speaking of anything better to do, my official secret project that I've been talking about here for the last fixty years or so is progressing nicely. I hoped to have it done a few weeks ago, but that plan was killed by LAZY. So it goes. This new project will require a few people to assist me in testing it. So, if you're interested in testing, feel free to send me an e-mail saying so, even though I'll most likely disregard it and go with the people I've already decided on anyhow. But, who knows? If I get an interesting and/or entertaining enough tester application type thing, I just may decide to give you a shot. This isn't an official contest, so the legals won't be necessary. But void where prohibited anyhow, because it's tautologoical goodness month.

They Come From France (08-20-03): Genius X, a colleague of mine from Lowe Street Riders, brings us some disturbing news about the French. It seems that his organisation has lately taken upon itself to engage in some deep-cover reconnaissance in an attempt to assess the threat that France may actually pose to the real world. In his own words, he discovered "weapons of mass drunkenness which could be deployed against the UK in a startling short space of time." The government of perfectlydarien.com wishes to make known that it will not tolerate WMDs in the hands of the French, and may have to take drastic measures, such as name-calling, if this horrible offense is not remedied. Thanks go out to Genius X for his skillful handling of the situation. It's good to know we have allies in this long, hard battle against targets we choose largely at random.

Increase the Moreness (07-31-03): I have now officially severed all ties with my abusive former employer, so this will leave me with more time to work on the site. I may actually get that project finished once I get back from vacation. And I'm sure I'll be so bored sitting around the house that I'll be able to get something together, at any rate.

Also, it surprises me exactly how many people out there are apparently Ugandan spies. It's a good thing I thought up such a brilliant plan for tricking them into revealing themselves.

GFITHORAPTSCGM (07-16-03): Web designers are a lot like journalists, you know. Except backwards. Journalists are people who get paid to write inane articles about stupid things that nobody really cares about. Web designers, on the other hand, pay other people for the privilege of writing inane articles about stupid things that nobody really cares about. So, basically, journalists in reverse. Or perhaps journalists who don't quite understand economics. But, as P.T. Barnum once said, and eBay subsequently proved, there's a sucker born every minute. Barnum was referring to the fact that, no matter where in the United States he went, there were always people with too much time and too much money who were eager to be parted from both. And if the fact that the last thing I bought on eBay had a ten-digit long transaction number is any indication, I'd say that every man, woman and child on God's own earth fits that description many times over. So next time you hear about poor starving Ugandans, tell them that if they didn't waste all their time and money buying Beanie Babies on eBay, they'd be able to get a haircut and get a real job. Damn freaking whining starving Ugandan hippies.

I'm getting away from the point. The point, of course, is that the ever-popular pd.com store now has a new way for you to waste your $14,990 + s/h. Exactly one new way, in fact. And it's only semi-new. I'm sure we're all familiar with those bumper stickers that are all the rage these days. You know the ones. Instead of conveying any actual informative, witty, or whiney information, they just have a few letters printed on them. Theoretically, anyone with an identical bumper sticker would know what it means and then you can be pen pals or something. I'm not quite clear on the details. Regardless, since I'm always in search of new problems to be a part of, I have one too. If you don't know what it means, you're obviously not a pd.com fan and are probably, in fact, a Ugandan spy. And I'm on to you. Hippie.

What's up, doc? (07-09-03): Yeah, it's been a while since anything new's gone on around here. But there's something in the works - something big. You want a sneak preview? Feast your eyes on this. But if your socks get knocked clear off, don't say I didn't warn you.

Epiphany (06-10-03): The upshot of the matter is, pd.com needed a celebrity spokesman. I mean, sure, we have Schopenhauer, and Ghaleon, and Dr. Wily, and Bubbleman, and Liface, and Randy Savage, and several other folks, but that's not the point. We needed another celebrity spokesman. Why, you ask? Because of the gospel of John.

If you'll recall, John was the "late" gospel. Also, John was the one to whom the Revelation was given. Also, he was the walrus. The man gets around. The point is, we realised suddenly, as if by a flash of inspiration, that pd.com does absolutely nothing to promote the gospel of John among America's inner-city youth. So we did what John probably would have done had it ever come up: we hit the streets. We talked to the inner-city youth of America. We asked them what they are looking for in gospel-of-John-related internet humour sites. Almost to a one, they told us they wanted a celebrity mascot named John to help them along the true path. Actually, to be honest, they mostly ignored us and/or shot at us, but we all decided that that's what they would have said and probably meant to say, except that their John-deprived, inner-city rage got the better of them. So we needed to adopt a celebrity mascot named John.

So our top three choices, obviously, were John Cleese, John Wayne Gacy, and Johnny Cash. John Cleese we ruled out, though, due to lack of "edge." He was goofy, and that's appropriate, but where was the darker side? The side that would put the fear of God into those kids and turn them into John-reading pd.com fans? No. He was not our man. The other two were more difficult. John Wayne Gacy suffered from not being very silly, though he did dress up like a clown, but Johnny Cash is a "Johnny" rather than a proper "John." Ultimately, the deciding factor was that Johnny Cash reminds us of money, which is good, whereas John Wayne Gacy just reminds us of creepy serial rape and murder, which isn't quite the angle we were going for. So, as Johnny Cash would say, "I hate you one and all. Damn your eyes."

Hey, that's the most creative excuse for not updating I've come up with yet. Now go read some John.

Everybody Loves Raymond and SARS (05-24-03): For today's SARS update, we've taken the SARS update that was supposed to be posted two days ago and almost got posted yesterday, and we posted it! Click here for the spectacle that is that fake SARS information fancied-up to look like the genuine SARS information from the day before, and even with a misleading URL to make it look like it's actually hosted on cnn.com. I know. I rule.

Just an old-fashioned SARS song (05-21-03): Today we're following up our award-winning genuine SARS information with some genuine fake SARS information which I'm sure will win twice as many awards. At this rate, pd.com will be the official website of the WHO by the end of the week. We'll keep you posted. And if anyone wants to declare us the official website of The Who also, well, that would be delicious irony. But I bet Keith Moon would love this place.

Happy SARS Week! (05-20-03): What better way to usher in the middle of the week than with a week-long celebration of what a reliable source tells me is "the plague that will wipe out humanity," and what an only slightly less reliable source tells me is "terror-crazed murderer Osama bin Laden's master plan." Good old Osama learned well from countless b-movie and video game villains who don't realise that their plans to kill everyone and destroy the whole world are a touch self-defeating. Of course, the same source has recently informed me that SARS is actually China's secret weapon to destroy the world, in which case Osama's off the hook and the Chinese have some damn bad aim. In related news, my source also has conclusive proof that Elvis is alive. I'll bring you an update on that after I actually read it. For now, here's some genuine information about SARS which you probably already know. See you tomorrow when we bring you even more fun and disease.

Oh, before I forget, there are only a few days left to enter the contest. So if anyone actually wants to, well, you better do it now.

Whatever Month This Is (05-09-03): It has been brought to my attention that National Frozen Foods Month is, in fact, March, not May. That being said, the contest from yesterday remains entirely unchanged, since I can't possibly be arsed to think up a new one and don't even know what official grocery store celebration May is anyhow.

The Other Classics (05-08-03):

You remember Chaucer. He's that funny guy who wrote that weird rhyming book about all those perverts going to pray. Well, in the true spirit of National Frozen Foods Month, I'd like to entreat my loyal fans to do a bit of creative writing. Specifically, I'd like you write something that combines elements of both Chaucer and pd.com, makes reference to frozen foods, and, if possible, is still funny. It could be a parody of The Canterbury Tales featuring characters from pd.com, or a parody of pd.com featuring characters from The Canterbury Tales, or an intellectual discussion between the Wife of Bath and Bubbleman set in a meat locker. Or it could be something else besides. Use your imagination! The winner will take home a copy of The Caterbury Tales signed by Geoffrey Chaucer himself*, and probably some other junk I'll think of later. I'm trying to work frozen foods into this, but they don't last in the mail too well. Anyhow, all entries must be received by 05-22-03, which gives you two entire weeks to come up with something. One winner will be selected by pd.com staff from all the entries that fit the contest guidelines and any that don't that we like enough to consider anyhow. As usual, pd.com staff and his wife and Dr. Derek Smart are not eligible to win, but may feel free to enter. Void where prohibited, no purchase necessary, no holds barred. pd.com and its staff are not liable for any damn fool thing you do as a result of this contest, including but not limited to dying of joy if you win. Entries should be e-mailed to me. All entries become the property of perfectlydarien.com, to do with as we wish. Now stop reading and start writing!

*Geoffrey Chaucer signature not guaranteed to be authentic

The Classics (05-02-03): Those of you who are longtime Darien fans may remember that one of my first acts after being elected Mayor of the Internet was to establish a set of rules that anyone intending to put his poetry on display must adhere to. Yes, the Internet Poetry Guidelines sprang into existence only one short day after pd.com brought the funny back to the web. Over the year, they've inspired many young artists, but none have been more inspired than my good friend Nigel. I would like to share a bit of Nigel's wit and wisdom with my adoring fans.

I just got over reading this guideline for poetry I found on google so I thought I'd leave you a little comment:

Who the (eclair) do you think you are giving guidelines on poetry and saying it's wrong to do goth poems or be serious in poems. You must think you are god's gift to the human race to come up with this stupid (croissant) here. I didn't even get to read the whole thing before I felt like hanging myself. And how the (baklava) do you know there are no good poems on the internet you dumb (profiterole).

Eat (pie)!

For the sake of my more delicate fans who may be offended by the harsh reality of Nigel's ghetto upbringing, I have replaced his more expicit words with the names of delicious pastries, but his letter is otherwise unchanged. It was clear to me upon receipt of this letter that my poetry guidelines were having exactly the impact on society that I was hoping they'd have. Obviously, if people like Nigel hang themselves, there will be less garbage poetry. And that will make the world a better place. So, at the risk of earning far more medals than one man could possibly wear at one time, I've finally retooled the Poetry Guidelines. The page banner is all nice and pretty, and I've added a bit of new content besides. I think we all owe Nigel a debt of gratitude for his assistance. Feel free to e-mail him and let him know how much his heartfelt sentiment meant to you.

OMGOMM (05-01-03): It sounds too good to be true, but Old Man Murray has returned! Who knows; this may well signal the return of the internet from the black pit of despair it's been in for years. And even if it doesn't, well, now I don't have to carry the burden of being all of the humour on the internet. Well, me and Seanbaby, anyhow.

Maybe this will save you all some time (04-27-03): I don't even use formmail, guys. All of you who keep trying to exploit formmail bugs are wasting your time.

The great Easter Egg aftermath (04-23-03): We have a winner, folks, and that winner is whitehelm! Congratulations to him on being the first person to come up with the correct answer. As for everyone else, well... better luck next year. The amazing prize we've awarded to whitehelm is a tee-shirt with

Also, it's come to my attention that someone has been leeching my bandwidth. I don't like that very much. But it's basically prevented now. Hotlink my images and all you'll see is this. SMACK ACK!

The great Easter Egg hunt (04-20-03): Happy Easter, everybody. I've hidden eight easter eggs around this site. Each egg has a number associated with it. The first person who sends me an e-mail and gives me the sum of the numbers associated with the eggs wins a fabulous prize! You better hurry, though; the deadline for entries is midnight tonight, EDT. Send all results to me.

I feel better now (04-14-03): Browsing around pdnet, I see that Cynthia hasn't updated in more than a month, Stephen hasn't updated in three months and has made no progress on his secret project (nor apparently noticed the insult I buried in it) in about a month, and Mina hasn't updated since the late seventeenth century. So I don't feel so bad about that period of nearly a month that I spent playing Nintendo games. Looking ahead, I notice that Easter is this coming Sunday. I need to invent a gala Easter update. I'll give you all fair warning: there will be an Easter egg hunt (provided I can remember to do the update), and there will be a prize. So you may wish to pop in here on Easter and see if you can be the first one to find the eggs! As usual, pd.com staff and his wife are not eligible to win, but other pdnet members are. So warm up your egg-hunting skills, Darien fans!

He's cranky today (04-13-03): You ask. Ghaleon answers. Everyone goes home happy.

Lame-ass excuses (04-10-03): As a rule, if I disappear for an extended period of time immediately following the release of some high-profile video game, I'm probably spending unhealthy amounts of time playing it and not enough time basking in the spotlight and entertaining my adoring fans. But I'm back now, and I have every intention of rocking some hiz-ouse shortly. The first official perfectlydarien.com "what the HFIL do you want?" poll has concluded, and it was unanimous: everyone wants updates to old sections rather than new stuff. So that's what you'll get. Content is in the pipe, and just needs to be typed. Which is a mad-fly rhyme, I suppose. Word.

It's just like playing Frogger. (03-19-03): Well, I've redone the page a touch. I finally completely squashed the Netscape-compatibility bug that I've been plagued by for a whole year. In case you're wondering how I did it, it was by not being an idiot and writing the page the way I should have in the first place. As in, not wrong.

For those of you with keen eyes: yes, it really has been a whole year. Craziness. Thanks to Verizon's high-quality assbiting terribleness, I was stranded with no internet when the actual anniversary - the eleventh - passed by. I had a whole huge affair planned for it, too. Maybe I'll do that stuff up anyhow, but it just doesn't feel right. We'll see. If you're upset about missing it, write a letter to Verizon and tell them they're useless.

The Vonderful Vorld of Verizon (03-18-03): Before anyone accuses me of slacking off: yes, it really did take Verizon eighteen days to activate my DSL at the new address. And, yes, that really is much longer than the five days they projected. And the additional week that they told me after the five days had expired. Needless to say, I'm a touch upset about that. But I'm back now, and I imagine some content will materialise around here in the next few days.

Go time and down time (03-01-03): Round four of everyone's favourite Steel Cage Grudge Match has been fought! This just keeps getting weirder, folks. I have to give special thanks to Stephen, for once again paying me to update, and Sam, for not punching me in the face for not updating. Thanks, guys! Also, thanks to all the members of the official pd.com memo list. You know who you are.

On a different note, starting today, I'm moving. Not the site, I mean - me, physically. I'm getting a house. So I'll not be available to update the site for some indeterminate period of time until Verizon remembers what to do on its end to switch my DSL over to the new address. So it may be some time. I suspect that most people would just blame it on a Darien Update Blackout and not even notice. But, hey. I'm narcissistic. Or something.

Honest-to-God being respectful (02-28-03): I'd just like to take a moment off from my normal schedule of making fun of the French, making fun of Square fans, making fun of Stephen, and making fun of everyone else to observe the passing of Fred Rogers. He was a good man, and will be missed.

Talkin' (02-25-03): So things have been pretty quiet on the Darien front lately. You probably think I have some lame-ass excuse like "I've been busy doing behind-the-scenes work" or "I've been kidnapped by the damn Cubans," but, no; lame excuses are unnecessary because of the sheer overwhelmth of what I've actually been doing, which is bugger all. Yup. Haven't done one single thing to the site in twelve days. But I've added one whole new tagline to my rotation, and I'm posting this now. So that counts. Plus there will be more stuff coming very shortly. And if you don't belive me, well... pay me and I'll update sooner. It worked once, it will work again.

What becomes of a broken record? (02-13-03): More fun new stuff at The Darien Store. This week's additions feature the old classic "hallo i am a teenager and i am talking about teh death!" Gotta love it.

Last-Minute Shopping (02-06-03): You know, Valentine's Day fast approaches. If you need something for your lady and haven't found the right thing just yet, there are thongs and panties over at the Darien store. And nothing says "I love you" quite like cheap underwear that you bought off the internet. Especially cheap underwear with my name on it. And I wonder why I never sell anything, eh?

Don't say Zophar! (02-03-03): My clever and inspirational rotational taglines have been totally reworked. You'll notice that they're in Perl now whereas they were in JavaScript before, yes? This will be of advantage to everyone except my server load. And my server load is a punk anyhow. I think I caught it saying Zophar the other day, and that's not allowed. Not allowed.

Comin' to ya, on a dusty road (01-31-03): Good features? I got a truckload. Right now I have a mock-new-age quiz for you all, The Soul Quiz. Take it and find out what planet your soul really comes from, anyhow! Thanks to The Fagmaster for writing some of them. The ones with the most swearing are his. Now maybe he'll do some work on his own website which I gave him.

The expressway to network troubles (01-30-03): Short answer: my network is functional again, so updates will resume. Long answer: my damn network is damn functional again, so damn updates will damn resume, dammit.

Why so blue, green man? (01-24-03): No meaningful updates today, since it's my birthday and I have to be at work at six o'clock tomorrow morning. I just didn't want my birthday to go by without patting myself on the back and being all "happy birthday to me." So happy birthday to me already. I'll bring you some content later.

Speak now or forever hold your piece (01-23-03): We're not going to beat around the bush on this one: the world is coming to an end. And unless you don't have any access to news in whatever part of wherever you live, you know exactly what I'm talking about: this. In case you were too lazy (or too poor, bless your soul) to click on that link I'll tell you what it says: freaking Kangaroo Jack is currently the number one film in the country. The stupid thing grossed twenty-one million dollars in its opening weekend. Obviously, this means the world is coming to an end. Do you see? But the pd.com staff isn't taking this sitting down. We decided to confront this problem the American Way: by holding a meeting.

The first order of business was, obviously, what to do about this movie: could we think of any way to stop the oncoming apocalypse? Arthur Schopenhauer had a plan - he suggested that we all combine our wills into one Big Collective Will and will the damn thing to death. Most of us came down with headaches before Bishop Berkeley interrupted to remind us that the movie doesn't exist in his reality. Naturally, the rest of us were jealous. Liface then chimed in and told us that Kangaroo Jack "si reaLLY GOOD MOVIE GO SE it now becuze he is a phat master of rhyme like EMINEM," to which Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel Bubbleman replied "What? Stop being all stupid." Ghaleon cackled maniacally and claimed that the movie was all part of his plan, which caused no end of ill feelings between him and Dr. Wily, who insisted that it was, in fact, part of his evil plan. This started an argument about which one was truly the most maniacally evil - Ghaleon does a much better evil cackle, but Dr. Wily can do that... thing with his eyebrows. So we called them even. Eventually the two "agreed to disagree," and the staff adopted the motion to declare Kangaroo Jack part of both of their evil plans. So the net result of all this? If there are any Kangaroo Jack promoters out there, your movie is now officially endorsed by both Ghaleon and Dr. Wily, and they've even been kind enough to provide a promotional display for you to use.

That's right, folks. perfectlydarien.com - proud to be part of the problem.

Speak now or forever hold your peace (01-22-03): Today brings another fantastic new feature, pd.com fans: Ask Ghaleon. Now you too can have your questions answered by an arch-villain! Where else but at pd.com can you get service like that at no extra charge? Presumably only at the magic guild of Vane, and that fell out of the sky a thousand years ago. So you're frankly out of luck, bub.

There can be only one (01-15-03): Okay, people. We've had confirmed reports that some "other" website out there has stepped on our member banners idea and has begun displaying ad banners for itself. Don't be fooled! There is only one pdnet, and, if you don't see the website listed there, it's not genuine pdnet stuff. I don't want to point any fingers, but this may or may not be the same website that stole my thong idea, and from whom I stole Liface. Do I have a point? Yeah: stealing rules.

Build a big friggin' statue of me (01-14-03): New fan art in the Fan Art Gallery, of all places. Who knew? Me. Buy my shirts and crap.

Build a big friggin' statue of yourself (01-14-03): Let me just begin by saying that it's all Stephen's fault. Also, let me end by saying something more or less like "so there."

What? You say the western field has turned into a magic dungeon? (01-11-03): So who says I've been playing too much Torneko. The fools. Anyhow. My member banner rotation now includes banners for everybody in pdnet, which is pretty slick. Be sure to hit all the pdnet sites every day - my goal is to go way over my bandwidth cap and spend the rest of my life in debt to my ISP trying to pay off one month of network fun. So don't just reload - reload constantly. Why are you still reading this? You should be reloading!

In other news, I haven't missed a day's update yet this month, and I'm damn well not going to. The clock on my taskbar says "11:51," and that's good enough for me. And anyone who thinks I'm posting this mostly-pointless update just so I don't break my streak, well... your momma.

Now get the axe.

Shorter index page? Dude! (01-10-03): I took out the seven months of old news and put it in the aptly-named Old News section, where the other old news was. Didn't know I had an old news section? Well, I did. I just neglected to supply a link to it. But I fixed that, too. And to atone for my crimes, I'll provide lots of links to it: link link link link link link link link link link link link godforsaken link. There. I've done my part. Now do yours and read some old news.

The robots are coming (01-09-03): I added some cool new stuff to the store. Be sure to check it out. Especially be sure to check it out if you happen to be Brunnen-G - I made them specifically for you. And if you're not frightened now, well, you will be.

Also, I notice that some of the stuff is on sale. Wiggy. So go buy a Darien vest!

Failure (01-08-03): Just a quick note: I'm still getting failure reports for /philo/wily, which was a symptom of a bug I squashed ages ago. So I'm wondering if there's another instance of the same bug; if anyone finds a link on this site that points to /philo/wily, please let me know about it.

Banners! (01-07-03): I totally have member banners nowadays. All those things at the top that used to be banners that I supposedly got paid for now advertise other sites on the network, and scarcely pay any less. Well, currently only me and the fagmaster, but, with luck, some of our other members will get banners to me shortly. I think member banners are pretty slick, and I spent ages getting the stupid thing to work correctly.

Also, the Privacy Policy has been changed. Didn't even know pd.com had a Privacy Policy, did you? Well, we do.

Network Page (01-06-03): I've created a page for the network, so feel free to head over there. It will probably be less empty after I put things in it, for those of you who are tautology fans.

Behind the Scenes (01-06-03): I've done a serious overhaul of the site today. If everything looks the same as it used to, that means I did it right - I didn't make many cosmetic changes, but I made everything more modular. Therefore, the site (the Grudge Match in particular) is going to be a lot easier for me to update from now on. Because, hey, heaven knows it was horribly difficult before.

Back on the air (01-05-03): We've regained contact with the arena, and we now have the conclusion of yesterday's exciting Steel Cage Grudge Match! But there's still more exciting news! We have two new members joinging the perfectlydarien.com network: thesurfacer.com and fagmaster.perfectlydarien.com! They're chock-full of goodness. Or they will be, once they're not "coming soon." One of them even has porn, but I'll leave it to you to figure out which one.

IT'S HERE! (01-04-03): You've waited patiently, and it's finally here. That's right, folks - round three of the infamously delayed Steel Cage Grudge Match! And this one's crazy. Stop in and see what happens! And, while you're at it, you can head over to the store and pick up some Schopenhauer merchandise to show your support, if you're an Artie fan - he's fighting today! This update brought to you thanks to Stephen, who finally got tired of whining at me to update the Grudge Match and figured that paying me would work better. And so it did.

IT'S ALMOST HERE (01-03-03): Stop by tomorrow for the grand unveiling!

IT'S COMING (01-02-03):

A Very Darien New Year (01-01-03): Not a whole lot to say, really; I just didn't want to let the New Year get by without saying anything about it. Also, I figured I'd best ditch the silly Christmas background sometime or other. So there you go. Now go talk about how great I am.

Questions, comments, suggestions, or insults? Send them right along to darien@perfectlydarien.com

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