Kingdom Hearts

System: Playstation 2
Release Date: 2002
Published By: Square Enix
Reviewed by: Darien
Rating:

This is a curiosity: a game I tried really hard to dislike but just couldn't bring myself to. There are just so many things wrong with it - so many things that offend my sense of gaming - that I made it my purpose in life for an hour or two to despise it. But it is odd.

For starters, the first thing that happens after you start the game is it subjects you to a goddamn music video. And, to be sure, it's a wretched piece of J-pop faff that has no bearing on anything. And you can't skip it, either, so hit the mute button and read a book for four minutes. When you get back, you get to pick options you can't change later with no clear idea of what the hell they mean. Bad design. When that's done, you enter the hour-long "intro" section of the game, where you run around and play scavenger hunt until you're ready to tear your bleeding eyes out of your head and beat your controller into a pulp. And, just when you can't take one more pointless task, the game mercifully starts.

It's sort of an odd experience playing a game like this. It features every character you hate from Final Fantasies 7, 8, and 10, plus capsulised versions of a whole bunch of Disney films, plus a bunch of new characters and story that make me weep for the future. It features an engine loosely built around Dynasty Warriors, obviously designed for tactical combat, and tries to stuff platforming into it. It features a pair of sidekicks with AI so poor that any item you give them to use will be used up in the first two seconds of combat, along with any magic points they may have. After all that, would you believe me when I say the game is fun? Don't worry. I wouldn't believe me, either. But there it is. The game is honest-to-gosh-darnit fun in spite of itself.

The voice acting mainly sucks. The Disney actors wouldn't be bad if it was less obvious that they phoned in the lines and had one take. I don't take kindly to flubbed lines, myself. The Square Enix actors suck badly. And, no, I don't care if that is Haley Joel Osment, he's not any damn good. The one good thing I can say about the characterisation on the Square side of things is that somehow, and I don't know exactly how, they managed to make Squall into a likeable character. Again, odd.

In all, an enjoyable game, but you'll hate yourself for enjoying it. And you'll hate yourself for wanting the sequel. And you'll hate yourself when, like me, you suffer through the entire dimwitted storyline only to find that the ending is, in fact, very well done. I honestly can't remember the last time I thought the ending in a video game was that good. And that may be the oddest thing about the whole game.

Buy this game from Amazon.com!