The first category is lamest video game console. This award is given to the current generation console judged to be the lamest, using criteria handed down to us by several centuries of mystics and monks and ultimately decided upon by God Himself. So this is basically the final Word on console lameness.
The nominees are:
 | The first entry in this category is the Sony Playstation 2. The Playstation 2 (PS2 in the rough street parlance) is truly a marvel of modern engineering, designed to make players feel as though they have stepped into the future. How does it acheive this feat of technology? Simple: it was obsolete before it was even released. While most consoles are good for a few months at least before becoming technological "old news," Sony defied established tradition by attaching a DVD player to the PSX and calling it a next-generation system. Congratulations! |
| Next up is the Nintendo Gamecube. The Gamecube has many unique features, such as its little tiny game discs and availability in a variety of colours, all guaranteed to make you feel like a fruit. It has a library of literally tens of games, most of which are also guaranteed to make you feel like a fruit. As an added bonus, the system includes an unprecedented two memory card slots! No other system has that! Unfortunately, the designers were too busy adding extra gay fruitiness and forgot to make one of them work. |  |
 | Our third nominee is the Microsoft Xbox. While Nintendo adopted a "smaller is better" stance with its Gamecube, the Xbox designers clearly recognised the burning desire that most of the gaming public has for larger gaming equipment as a means of compensating for smaller equipment elsewhere. The Xbox is, therefore, larger than all other video game consoles combined. Assuming you can get the monster to fit inside your house, you are then faced with the daunting task of making it from one save point to the next in your chosen game before the system crashes. But if you always thought it would be more fun to play the same old PC games at a much lower resolution and with a controller bigger than Chicago, the Xbox is for you! |
| The Nintendo Game Boy Advance is the fourth contestant, and the second from Nintendo. The Game Boy Advance ("GBA," as the kids call it) is the latest in the line of Game Boy handheld systems. The Game Boy line accounts not only for most of the video game systems sold in history, but also, if you figure for inflation, roughly 60% of the money that has ever been spent by anyone. Its features include an itty-bitty screen so you can go blind trying to make out what exactly you're doing in a video game. Personally, I can think of more fun ways of going blind, but maybe that's just me. Anyhow, the GBA is the least expensive of the consoles on this list, unless you account for battery usage, in which case you can expect to spend an Xbox-worth of money buying batteries in order to get through an average snooze-inducing modern RPG. |  |
 | The Nokia N-Gage rounds out the nominees for this category. The N-Gage is Nokia's recently launched failed GBA competitor slash cell phone. Since it costs more than a GBA and a cell phone combined, and the cell phone components gracefully interfere with the operation of the game playing components and vice-versa, it is not exactly the best of any number of worlds. The unit features an unprecedented seven hundred face buttons, along with shoulder buttons, back buttons, and a bellybutton. Also it has a huge library of games, rumoured to number at least half a dozen. Look for the Nokia N-Gage to be hitting the bargain bin of your local EB very soon! |
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