Our next category is lamest Soul Calibur II character not designed by Todd McFarlane. We made the decision to disallow Todd McFarlane-designed characters when it was revealed to us that any character designed by Todd McFarlane would be, by definition, lamer than any character designed by anyone else. The only possible exception is Spawn, who somehow snuck into this game anyhow. But I'm off topic again. The nominees are:
 | Our first nominee is Necrid. We speak for not only perfectlydarien.com, but for everyone in the entire world when we say that edgy aliens with mysterious energy control abilities and large, glowing objects on their chests are totally passé. So stop designing them already, McFarlane. And if you're thinking that being designed by Todd McFarlane should cause Necrid to be disqualified for violation of the "not designed by Todd McFarlane" clause in the category, well... yeah, you're probably right. So we'll see what happens with that. |
| Next up is Talim. Talim's inclusion in Soul Calibur II is sure to be a major victory for disadvantaged minorities everywhere, since she represents just about all of them. She's a fifteen year old girl being persecuted because of her sex, age, race, religion, hair colour, and preference for the Backstreet Boys over the obviously way hotter boy band N'Sync. Also I'm sure she's poor and a lesbian, though the game doesn't really go in-depth on those subjects. Talim also represents a victory for middle-aged Japanese salarymen, as she is a fifteen-year-old girl in a game that also includes Necrid, thereby providing ample fuel for violent rape comics. Thank you for that, Japan and Todd McFarlane. |  |
 | The thrid nominee is Zangief. While not technically a character in Soul Calibur II, he's a character in Street Fighter II, which has almost the same name. And does anybody ever play Zangief? He's slow, unwieldy, and sorely lacking in projectile attacks. Don't let the fact that he's fourteen feet tall, russian, wrestles bears and has the same hairstyle as Mr. T fool you - he's not as cool as he wants you to think, and his inclusion on this list proves that it is possible to create a fourteen-foot-tall Russian bear-wrestling Mr. T and still make him seem pretty lame, even without involving Todd McFarlane. |
| The next nominee is Cervantes. Cervantes is a zombie pirate who has come back from the dead to seek the power of Soul Edge. And (this time) he may be able to control that power, turning him into an unstoppable, one-man killing machine who will undoubtedly mow through everything in his path. Only one question remains: what the hell is he doing on this list? He's a pirate, a zombie, and a spicy latino bandleader. He has two huge swords, both of which eat men's souls. His arms do that electricky thing when he builds up power, just like in Dragonball Z. And he wrote Don Quixote. Not only is Cervantes clearly not lame, he's probably more badass than everyone you've ever met all put together, unless by any chance you know Mad Max or Snake Plisskin or me. Not even being in the same game with characters designed by Todd McFarlane could make an apocalyptic undead Iberian pirate and dramatist seem like any less of a bad motherfucker. |  |
 | Last but probably not least is Barry Goldwater. While he looks totally kickass in that picture (and rather a bit like Ted Knight, who, thanks to the internet, I've recently discovered was not only the way-kickass Ted Baxter on the Mary Tyler Moore show, but was also apparently Honorary Mayor of Pacific Palisades, and faked his death to become a superhero crimefighter), most players find that, despite a strong single-strike offense, he lacks versatility and effective combo openers. Also, many players are put off by his opposition to social welfare programs and his willingness to use nuclear weapons in Vietnam. What are Goldwater's reasons for appearing in Soul Calibur II? Perhaps he figures that, with the powers of Soul Edge, he could run for president and win, this time. Or perhaps he wants to explore the uses of Soul Edge as an alternative to nuclear deterrant. Or perhaps he hates Todd McFarlane as much as everyman, and is out to destroy all of McFarlane's creations with his superhuman kung-fu abilities. Time alone will tell. |
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