perfectlydarien.com

Old News: Page Two

Ho Ho Ho (12-25-02): Merry Christmas all, and welcome to the third annual perfectlydarien.com gala Christmas extravaganza! Note that this one is gala and extravaganza. They combine easily to form "extragala."Yes, it seems like everyone's getting into the Christmas spirit around here. Even old Artie Schope himself.

The Will... to party!

So with all the fun Christmas-y goings-on, we thought we'd take the time to welcome you and yours. Your present? Well, I said that if you were good, you'd get another update. But I guess you haven't been very good, because all you're getting is this ridiculous hash about the origins of Santa Claus.

As I mentioned in my 06-24 update, Santa Claus was a famous Mexican general in the nineteenth century. Ana is the Mexican word for Claus, which is the English word for Klaus, which is the German word for Claw. Bear that in mind as we go on; it'll be on the quiz. Santa Claus and his cavalry, the Rough Reindeer, were responsible for many important Mexican military victories of the time, including the Alamo and... well, there were probably others. He was known for riding through friendly territory in the middle of the night to distribute the spoils of battle among the people, and so started our modern myth of Santa Claus bringing gifts to children.

Santa Craw

After the defeat of the Mexicans by Genghis Khan's Mongols, Santa Claus went into hiding for many years, only to surface later as a villain on TV's Get Smart (presumably he needed the money for the war effort). He pretended to be Asian to throw the Mongol spies who were still hunting for him off his trail, but they knew he was still out there somewhere. After all, someone was still giving presents away on Christmas. And so they knew that the wily Mexican general was holed up somewhere plotting his revenge. He's still out there, or so they say; waiting and building up his war reindeer. One thing is for certain, though: that North Pole business was pure fabrication. I know. I've looked.

So now you know the true story of Santa Claus. Don't tell your children, though; it'll make them cry. And that's what the Mongols want.

Get with it! (12-22-02): Okay, people, what's it going to take? I've insulted several (oddly) popular Square-made video games, including brutally ripping apart every single character who appears in Final Fantasy VIII. I've made fun of goths, teenage girls, and anime fans (pardon the redundancy). I badmouth the French almost constantly. I've trashed the Xbox. I've even insulted Derek Smart. And, despite all that effort, I haven't received even one single piece of hate mail. No one's posted flames on my poorly neglected forum. What are you people waiting for? I can't open my section about making fun of hate mail if I don't get any, after all.

And I know there are a few people who read this drivel. I got a Christmas card about it, even.

Arise, Serpentor, Arise! (12-20-02): After being on the receiving end of no less an uproar than one instant message and one Christmas card demanding that I post a real update - you know, with content and everything - I've decided to do it. So feast your eyes upon Investigative Reports, in which I attempt to get the the bottom of mysteries that have been plaguing mankind for ages, and frequently refer to myself as "we," as though I had staff. I don't want to spoil the coolness of the first report by telling you right now, but suffice to say it involves Buddhists, the whole world, and lots of images I painstakingly gathered by hand. And even more misuse of the <em> tag. So what are you waiting for? Go go go go go.

Also, if you're good, I might even squeeze in some more content before my gala Christmas update, which you won't want to miss. But why are you still reading this? I told you to go. And I wasn't fooling, mister.

And yes, I did get a Christmas card telling me to update my web site. If you don't believe me, I'll scan it in. Maybe. Now go already.

Cut it with a knife (12-19-02): I'm halfway through writing a new feature, and it's going to change the way you think about everything. If you're easily suggestible. Otherwise, it'll probably change the way you think about Google image searches and eastern religions. More than this, I shall not say. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

So you say you want a revolution (12-14-02): People are always coming up to me on the street and being all like "so, Darien, you're a world-famous internet celebrity, what do you think about blah blah politics blah blah blah television blah blah my children blah." And I'm all "hey, I'll give you my autograph; now leave me alone already." And it's not that I'm being rude and antisocial, it's just that I genuinely tend not to care about politics, I don't watch very much television, and I don't like children. So you see how it is. What's a guy to do? Well, Charlie, just for you, I've come up with a few good solutions in case you ever find yourself faced with someone trying to make conversation. Not that you'll be rude or antisocial or anything.

#1 - The Emergency: If someopne starts to talk to you about how the government should blah blah and the people have a right to blah blah and all that stuff, pretend to listen very intently for a little while (don't be a hero, though; eight seconds should be sufficient), and then feign having a heart attack. Send the annoying chatmonger to fetch help, and arrange to be gone by the time he gets back. It works every time, as long as you don't try it twice on the same person. So I guess what I should have said is "it works one time."

#2 - The Dire Emergency: If you're not much for pretending to die suddenly, or if you're in a crowded location where a fake medical condition would attract too much attention, you can still get off on the same excuse. All you need for this one is a pager. It doesn't even need to be a working pager, mind, so long as it looks convincing. The setup is the same as in scenario #1, with the eight seconds of pretend caring and stuff. After that's done with this time, though, act like your pager's going off. Look at it, put on your best impression of shock and fear, and then excuse yourself quickly from the conversation, muttering under your breath. This one will work more than one time per sucker, but if you try it too frequently, people will start to wonder. Of course, if acting isn't your strong suit, that brings us to number three...

#3 - The Really Dire Emergency: This one's easy. When the conversation gets the the point at which you simply can't stand it anymore, break your leg. Or shoot yourself in the foot. Or fall down a flight of stairs. Just so long as you get injured, anything goes. A bit drastic? Perhaps, but sometimes it's worth it. Of course, if you're one of those lunatics who care about things like "self-preservation," you're going to have to use the last option.

#4 - Violence: This one's my favourite. If someone pisses you off, hit him. A swift punch in the head should shut anybody up. And if, for whatever reason, he keeps on talking, hit him again. And again. Use a weapon if you have to. I guarantee 100% success with this method if you follow through on it, and you won't usually have to worry about whether or not it works twice on the same person. Trust me on this one. Violence is the answer.

I hope you can get some use out of my informative tips. Armed with these four tricks, you should be able to shut up any damn hippies whining about the environment or new mothers talking about their children. Just remember, you heard it here first. pd.com - your source for being told how to live your life.

We're Back (12-09-02): Okay, so there was this guy. One day, he set up his own web site, and got his own domain name, and everything. And he screwed up his administrative contact information, so his registrar couldn't contact him to tell him that his domain registration was about to expire. And he also forgot about it. Then, one day, he discovered that he couldn't get his e-mail anymore. It suddenly ocurred to him that a year or so had passed, and his registrar probably wanted more money. The moral of this story is: idiots who let their domain names expire find themselves sans web sites abruptly.

Not that I know anybody like that.

Howdy, Pilgrim (11-28-02): Welcome to the pd.com official gala Thanksgiving update. It's definitely all kinds of gala. I love the ugly brown background and the ugly orange text. Of course, that vomit-toned background on the navbar is the best part. You can thank CSS for this, mind - it makes it too easy for me to set up piss-poor colour schemes without spending hours doing it. And that's what the spirit of the holidays is all about. I guess.

Anyhow, you didn't come to listen to this. What you came to listen to, I'm sure, is the story of Thanksgiving. If you recall, I told you all about Halloween and the evil druids last month. Well, this month's story is about the evil European opressors who basically ruined the entire world a few hundred years ago. You see, it all started with a guy named Christopher Columbus.

Lieutenant Columbus

Columbus was a Lieutenant in the Spanish Armada, and he had only one eye, which led to him getting off course one day and sailing to America instead of France. That was probably better for him, anyhow. But when Columbus got to the new world (which is what they called America back then), he discovered that somebody had beaten him there. He called them Indians, since, like I said, he only had one eye, and so he couldn't read the map very well and thought he was in India. Nowadays, of course, we're more enlightened than that. We call them Native Americans, to distinguish them from those of us who may have been born and raised in America, but are certainly not natives, since our skin is a different colour. Ahh, progress.

The Indians gave Columbus trenchcoats and bourbon whiskey, and he gave them trinkets, beads, and disease. He thought it was a pretty fair trade, but the Indians were a mite put out. Anyhow, he eventually sailed off whistling into the east, and the Indians were more or less left alone for about long enough to use up all of that disease the Lieutenant left them. But they weren't left alone forever, mind, because events were taking place in Britain that would ensure another set of visitors.

There were some guys over in Britain called Puritans. These were basically the first line of defense against the evil druids and their Satan-spawned celebration of Halloween (see below). Eventually it occurred to them that some of them should go protect the Indians from trick-or-treating, and it occurred to the king that he would like some gold, so they reached an agreement. The Puritans changed their name to Pilgrims, and sailed to America to protect the Indians.

Typical Pilgrim

When the Pilgrims reached America, they were restless, so they decided to start a war. The Pilgrims and the Indians killed each other for a while, and then the talking squirrel came and rescued some kids and everything was all better. Then Squanto created a language, so the Indians could finally talk. Geronimo jumped out of a plane or something, too, and one of the Pilgrims named John Smith (they didn't believe in luxuries like different names, so all of them were called John Smith) married this Indian maiden named Pocahontas. Now, the Indians had invented feminism many years before the backwards white man, so Pocahontas styled herself a liberated woman. John Smith quickly got tired of this, so he shipped her back to England to fight druids while he stayed in America to wench.

The Indians gave the Pilgrims gifts of corn (they called it "maize" because Squanto screwed up his language) and wood and nubile young women, and the Pilgrims rewarded them with trinkets and beads and disease. Then after a while, the Indians got bored with that and decided to become pop-up movie villains. So Jesse James and Billy the Kid created cowboys, and there was even more fighting. But that's beside the point. The point is, the Pilgrims were so happy to have all the corn, turkey, and women that they decided to give thanks. And the Indians were grateful for the trinkets and beads and the chance to be the villains in the first few generations of Hollywood pictures. So they decided to create a day on which they would all say "thank you" and eat corn and turkey and take advantage of any nubile young women they could find.

Beep beep!

So that's how Thanksgiving came to be. Remember to eat lots of corn and turkey, and take advantage of any females within reach. After all, it's up to us, the younger generations, to preserve and honour the memories of the Pilgrims. And the Indians, too, even if Squanto did later screw up Indian math so bad that they ended up giving Manhattan away for twenty-four dollars. I mean, for Queens, that's about the right price. But all of Manhattan is worth at least sixty.

So that's your gala Thanksgiving story. Feel free to browse through the gala brown-and-orange web site all you wish. If you're feeling truly thankful, you can thank me by dumping some cash at the Darien store. That would be something for me to give thanks for, anyhow.

All Lies and Jests (11-27-02): Well, it's almost Thanksgiving. Be sure you tune in for my gala Thanksgiving update, which is guaranteed to be at least twice as gala as my gala Halloween update, or your money back. To tide you over during the long wait until tomorrow, I've bequeathed upon you a new review over at The Devil's Game - The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. So go check it out. And for the curious, no, this isn't the new feature I was raving about the other day. And it's not either of the new features I mentioned prior to that, or the one I haven't mentioned until now. No, those are all still coming, at least one of them shortly. So stay tuned to pd.com - the only web site you'll ever need or double your money back.

By the Power of Greyskull! (11-13-02): So I'm watching the new He-Man cartoon. Those of you who recall my Masters of the Universe: The Power of He-Man review will probably be wondering if I have any choice observations. As a matter of fact, I do. Everything in the new He-Man show is MORE. He-Man is more strong, Man-at-Arms is more amazingly cool, Ram-Man is more large. That sort of thing. I'm thinking, now that they've updated the show, they should update that Atari game. As soon as I come up with something funny to say about that, rest assured that you'll find out what it is. On an unrelated note, just wait until you see the feature I'm working on. It's totally crazy, and it'll blow you away so hard you fall over and gibber. So if you're working with me on this project, remember: it's top secret.

This just in! Hours after I posted the above item, I stumbled upon this. God help us all.

It's about time (11-03-02): Okay, I said I'd do it, and I have. The Final Fantasy VIII Personality Quiz has been redone with a much more purty and sophisticated interface. Also, in the process, I gained the knowledge I need to throw together a feature that I've had in mind for some time. So that might just happen shortly. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, you know. Or perhaps a ridiculous thing. Only time will tell.

Thong thong thong thong thong (11-03-02): I bet you know the song. Admit it. Anyhow, I'm selling thongs in my store now, and they rule. I don't think there is a rulinger thong around. In addition to the thongs, there's some other new junk, too - some Christmas tree ornaments, a new hat, and some stickers. Make sure you check them out. Pick a few up, too - I know you all have $14,990 + s/h hanging around that needs to get spent on thongs and stickers. I mean, I can't be the only person who keeps an emergency "thong & sticker" fund, can I?

The Darker Side of pd.com (11-02-02): What you are about to hear is a tale of intrigue, or infighting, and of infidelity. It is a tale that, I'm sure, somehow can be used by slashdot readers to prove that Microsoft is evil, and by Microsoft to prove that the open-source supporters are evil. It is the tale... of a web site torn apart by jealously, and by rage.

It all started two nights ago, in a conversation between Your Favourite Webmaster and Dave. "Darien," Dave was whining, "some of your web site was designed with proprietary, closed-source software. That makes you a traitor to the cause!" How great indeed was my shame when I realised that he was correct. I had written a good portion of this web site in Notepad, which is an evil monopolistic tool that Microsoft uses to ensure its dominance of the operating system market. I also created many of the graphics using Paint Shop Pro (the "poor man's Photoshop"), which is an evil monopolistic tool that JASC Software uses to ensure its dominance of... err... products called Paint Shop Pro. Dave was right - I was as guilty as sin. Even though all of the recent work on the site was done in GNU vi, pico, and the Gimp, I hadn't thrown out the old HTML and rewritten it in an open-source editor. That makes me a traitor to the open-source movement, or, as Dave calls it, "open sores." Nevermind that I don't want anything to do with any open sores of Dave's and any related movements. (Note: more on Dave's open sores later on - ed) (Note: Actually, I'll give that a miss - ed)

So I wasn't at all sure what to do. Dave even threatened to report me to Richard Stallman, who would be guaranteed to give me a sound verbal thrashing just like he did when Linus Torvalds started using Bitkeeper instead of crappy old CVS, or when everyone in the world except for him started using the term "Linux" instead of the more proper, Stallman-friendly "GNU/Linux." That would be a catastrphe indeed. Obviously, there was only one thing I could do; only one possible solution would truly solve this whole mess, and no matter how painful and dificult it would be, I steeled my nerves and prepared myself.

I called Dave a fag and went off to eat dinner.

The Devil (10-31-02): Welcome to the first annual Evil Satanic Druid Baby-Eating Dark Festival and sports bar celebration here at pd.com. Because that's what Halloween is all about, you know. How do I know? Because Jack Chick told me so. Consider this an added bonus for all of you non-believers who didn't realise that any web site with a URL like www.chick.com could possibly be a not-porn site.

It all started with the druids, see.

Satan's chauffeur

Authoritative sources tell me that the druids were basically a fourteenth-century version of modern-day goths, except that since no one had invented the police or Judge Judy yet, there wasn't anyone around to stop them from eating babies and terrorising the populace of ancient Druidsylvania. That picture over there comes courtesy of Blizzard, and, frankly, they should know this stuff; Blizzard has created not just one but two games that are almost entirely concerned with how the devil and his two brothers (think of them as Larry, Darryl, and Darryl, only with EXTRA HELL) are going to eat all of our souls because, as Dark Helmet said, "evil will always triumph, because good is dumb." So these are hardcore types who know all about Hell. In fact, you probably shouldn't even click on that link, or the devil will get into your computer and mail himself out to everyone in your Microsoft Outlook address book. And he won't even pretend to be naked pictures of Anna Kournikova like the last thing did.

So anyway. The druids are responsible for the infusion of evil into the month of October. They're also responsible for

Mad slasher

Michael Meyers, the badguy from most of the Halloween movies, and they built Stonehenge, which is actually an evil bug-generating laser, as revealed in Halloween: Season of the Witch. So they're pretty much bad news, and they're all about Halloween.

What does this have to do with you, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. You see, the druids once used 31 October as kind of a conduit for evil. They called it "Samjain," and it was a day that was notorious for baby-snatching, human sacrifice, and screwing people out of lots of money using garbage internet companies. Now, this is of significance to the modern Halloween celebration due to a scientific principle called "trickle-down Hell." Basically, what this principle says is that any evil stuff done on any day will get "soaked up" by any recurrent days called the same thing. So all that evil that the druids used to do on 31 October bleeds into every other 31 October, and makes anyone who celebrates anything on 31 October actually the tool of the devil, whether that makes any sense or not. I mean, you can't argue with science. In fact, the evil of the druids was potent enough that it not only survived many centuries undiluted, but also found its way to the new 31 October after the introduction of the Gregorian calendar moved all the days around (the Gregorian calendar, of course, was created to try to confuse the evil so that more days were available for things other than serving Satan). So even though the modern day Halloween has nothing to do with the ancient druidic festival of Samjain, and even though little kids dressing up as Pikachu and trying to wheedle candy corn out of the neighbors has nothing to do with stealing babies and conjuring demons, they're considered by God to be exactly the same thing. I mean, they're on the same day, after all. And do you really expect The Almighty to waste all of His effort noticing whether someone is trick-or-treating or drinking the blood of the innocent? It saves lots of time just to condemn everyone who does anything on Halloween. And if you think your time is valuable, well then. Just imagine how valuable His time is.

So enjoy your day of bobbing for apples in the service of evil. Just remember how much that "free" candy is really costing you - YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL. And probably also your firstborn son. Sometimes it really would be easier just to knock over a convenience store if you need your Kit-Kat fix, you know.

Your Mom (10-23-02): Yeah, you heard me. Not a whole lot to say today. Just kinda felt like insulting your mom. So, yeah. You heard me. What you gon' do about it?

Story Puzzle (10-22-02): On my way home from work today, I decided to take a back road that I usually don't. I passed a hanging wooden sign that read "Tag Sale - Lotsa Stuff When Open." I think there's a lesson in there. The puzzle, see, is that I'm going to ask my burgeoning audience what that lesson is. Who can tell me? Best answer wins a prize.

No Cigar (10-21-02): Good guesses, those of you who guessed at the answer to my mystery. But none of you were right. Of course, I liked your guesses enough that I decided to make it something to guess about, which it originally wasn't. It went up in a fit of pique. But, hey, guessing is fun. So guess away to your hearts' content. Maybe the winner will get a cigar. Who knows. Hey, it could happen.

Who You Gonna Call? (10-20-02): Squashed an obscure bug with the message forum. In other news, I started a new job last Monday, and that's where I've been since then. Had a long, tough week of training, but, with any luck, things will go a bit more smoothly from now on. You can send sympathetic e-mail to me, if you want, or you can just scoff and tell me to get on with my life. I was also in an auto accident today, so I'm just a magnet for pity lately.

It Is a Mystery (10-10-02):

Some Stuff (10-01-02): People have actually been asking me about this lately (much to my surprise, as I didn't realise anyone ever read this), so I figured I should formally explain it. The site has had only small updates for a little while, and will likely continue this trend for a little while. The reason for this is that I am working on a new feature for RinkWorks, which, if you don't know, is somebody else's web site. So when I'm done with that, I'll have a major update to do. But until then, just little stuff.

Bad Web Day (09-27-02): Okay, I've found what may just be the most poorly-conceived web site in history. Just click on this link to go visit "myFAGbearingworld," which, rather than being some insensitive joke by somebody like me, is actually apparently a German company that thinks it doesn't have the world's worst name. Feel free to explore it - clicking on the "company" tab brings you to a place where you can get information about "FAG Business Units," for example. The potential for laughing at this web site is just about endless. Almost makes me think the French - who decided, remember, that the name of my web site would be a good word for gay - might bust a gut looking at my little round pd button. But at least I had the good sense not to call this web site "myFAGbearingworld." That's a bit much.

Microsoft ruins video games, pd.com front page (09-24-02): As announced by people other than me earlier today, Microsoft bought Rare, thereby forcing me to come up with something witty to say about this. But even worse than that, it's going to force me to redesign my front page, since those links up there to Scribes and Tusk don't work anymore. That's right, Microsoft took less than one day to gay up Rare's web site completely, removing all the fun bits and relpacing them with godawful unholy Flash. If I weren't so upset about this whole thing, I'd do it now. But, frankly, Rare won't be enough by itself to make the XBox less gay.

Once more from the top (09-12-02): Okay, I've fixed the forum script. I think it should work now, though there's still one bizarre bug I never did find the cause of, and I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope it never shows up again. You can head off there and post things and see what happens. let me know if there's still anything wrong with it.

Hell is all around us (09-11-02): The more historically-minded pd.com readers may remember one year ago today as the day the whole world went to hell. The even-slightly-more-historically-minded may recall six months ago today as the day the whole internet went to hell. Well, in the spirit of this illustrious day, I've decided to post some stuff that's as boring as hell: pd.com site statistics. Can you say "fun fest?" Help yourself to a cookie. Anyhow. Statistics we have. Lots of them. Arcane ones. If you arm yourself with these statistics and a handy conversion table, or one of those weird graphing calculators, or Professor Stephen Hawking of Star Trek: the Next Generation fame, you should be able to calculate exactly how much of the burning hells will be taken up by this website if the goths should prove to be right, and their dark master does rise up and consume us all. If you do, let me know; I want to get started picking out lawn furniture.

Anyhow. Time for the statistics. In the past six months, pd.com has opened nine new features, only one of which broke so hard I had to take it down. We first began selling garbage through the store about three weeks after opening, and have since filled orders for zero customers! It has been nearly five months since the Steel Cage Grudge Match updated, and Stephen has sent me three pieces of hate mail about that.

Statistics are not nearly as much fun to type as they are to make up.

Uselessness in the news (09-11-02): Since I'm not actually adding any content, I don't feel as though I'm violating my previous announcement. Anyhow. GameFAQs runs game news from GameSpot. One recent headline - "Blizzard to make announcement" - really sends me the impression that either nothing is happening in the game industry, or else that GameSpot is freaking useless. Clicking on that headline, I discover that "Blizzard has announced that it will be making a new product announcement on September 20." I shudder to think that someone actually got paid to write that article.

Your time is over. My time is now. (09-11-02): Well, guys, my life is basically complete. I've reached the top - I've been officially insulted in Scribes - and I don't really see that there's anything else for me to accomplish. So I'll not accomplish anything else for a while. You should go click and read me being officially insulted and bask in how my celebrity status is overwhelming and cool. And then freaking buy something, for crying out loud.

Whoops. (09-04-02): Heh. You know, this site really was supposed to get an update or two sometime in the last three weeks. I blame Shigeru Miyamoto, as his crazy Sunshine game has been devouring my free time lately. Also, I blame Stephen, but mostly just for fun. I guess I'll have to drag myself away from the Nintendo long enough to write something, then. Until then, A bit of information that I'm sure everyone who would care about already knows: the forum is down. Has been for about three weeks, since the script is all crapped up and I need to figure out what's wrong. I suppose that makes it kind of stupid that I provided a link to it back there. But that's just the kind of madcap humour you've come to expect from pd.com, I imagine. Zoiks.

R0xx0ring various other items of yours (08-14-02): Hey, lots of new junk in the store. Make sure not to spoil my streak by actually buying any of it; that would be no fun at all. Of course, if you want to blow your $14,990 + s/h so recklessly, it's pretty cool stuff. It features the new gag I made up yesterday, and also fan favourite Arthur Schopenhauer. How can you lose?

R0xx0ring your b0xx0rz (08-13-02): Since nobody bought the old-style boxers at the store, I made some new-style boxers for everyone not to buy. And these are even a UNIX joke! Score. Got $14,990 + s/h burning a hole in your pocket? Go buy lots of shorts.

Updating the hell out of you (08-09-02): The perfectlydarien.com Message Forum is now open! Head over there and try to think of something interesting to say. It doesn't work perfectly just yet, but it's pretty good. Just don't break the stupid thing on purpose, okay? It was enough trouble for me, pitiful programmer that I am, to get it working this well. Anyhow, enjoy!

Updates again (08-09-02):... so to heck with all of you "Darien never updates his web site" people. Today brings us a new game review over at The Devil's Game - and it's the spectacular Chrono Cross. Also, I have a new piece of Fan Art by Matthew - it's really small, but cool nonetheless. Get it here.

Matthew was also generous enough to clear up the confusion about disc IV of Final Fantasy VIII - if you think back to my review, you'll recall that I never played disc IV, and so it seemed to lack a bit of "closure." Well, Matthew, who has played it, assures me of two things: nothing happens on that disc, either, and nobody explains what time compression is, even after it happens. So I feel somewhat justified in my non-playing of that disc.

Double Update! (08-07-02): Because I never get tired of making fun of this game, now you can go take the Final Fantasy VIII Personality Quiz and find out which gossamer twit you're most like! Featuring a much less pretty and sophisticated interface than I wanted it to have. Maybe I'll make it pretty sometime later.

Also, while I was doing that, I realized that the review up for LotR: Journey to Rivendell looks like arse when viewed at a resolution higher than 800x600. So I'll fix that sometime.

Lost and Found (08-07-02): Months ago, I batched all of the fan art togther in preparation for putting it on the site. In the process, I misplaced something - the Darien Kiss doll Ayako made. I'm not sure in retrospect why it didn't go with all of the rest of the stuff, but it's here now. So go play and have fun. Of course, you'll need Play FKiss in order to do anything with it. For legal reasons, I can't put Play FKiss on this site, but you can find it by following that there link. Which is almost as good.

All of the e-mail addresses (excluding those given in old news items, which I'm not changing) should now be changed to reflect my new e-mail address. If you find any that aren't, let me know about it. And while you're doing that, enter my contest. Enter my contest now. Do it now do it now do it now!!

Grand Re-Opening (08-03-02): Well, here we are! Told you I'd eventually move all this nonsense into its own domain. And I've now done just that. I'm still fixing things up around here, so I've not gotten around to posting the new stuff that I have, but I should get to that no later than (and potentially sooner than) Wednesday. In the meantime, send me some e-mail and let me know about it if you find anything that isn't quite right. Except don't tell me that it still lists the old e-mail address on all the other pages; I know that. I just haven't fixed it yet.

But anyway, have fun! I'm sure that, right now, this whole move is way more exciting for me than it is for anyone else. But I have much more freedom now, and I might be able to find ways to make it exciting. Only time will tell.

From Out Of the Darkness (07-29-02): Just when you thought the whole internet was all dried up and dead, pd.com has updated. And I mean a real update this time, with pictures and everything. I have a new game reviewed over at The Devil's Game, and it's a real gem. It has about as much gameplay as a gem, anyhow. You can go to the section from that last link, or straight to the new review by using this link here. And, if all goes well, there'll be more where that came from before very long.

In other news, Cynthia tells me that we're up to a grand total of zero contest entries already! I didn't expect so many people would enter. There's still time, though, if you want to play; I imagine we can handle a few more entries than that. So play! What do you have to lose but your life?

War and Peace (07-16-02): But not necessarily in that order, mind. Cynthia has graciously offered to collect the entries for my ridiculous contest (which you'll recall I mentioned in the previous news item). So mail them all along to her as soon as you have them together, and we'll get this on. The sooner you send them, the better, as I may arbitrarily decide to end contest submissions at any given time by posting an update (howls of derisive laughter). You can check out the chart over here if you need a reminder of who's fighting whom and when. So get those charts together! Now. RIGHT NOW.

Now for the "war" bit. Troops have recently been deployed to France to begin the first round of the actual ground fighting. We expect to have a puppet government up and running in Vichy before the end of the day, provided that the weather is good and we don't have any delays in getting there. perfectlydarien.com will remain, of course, your source for updates on the war situation - don't listen to anything the French say about it, because they're just trying to make themselves look good. So if they try to mutter something at you in between eating snails and curling their perky moustaches, just remember to shout "chowder" as loud as you can and then run away. Hey, that's a small price to pay for freedom.

Nice Idea. It's Mine Now. (07-10-02): I've just had a brilliant idea. Stole it, really, from GameFAQs. See, they're running a tournament bracket sort of thing with a betting pool. And I'm thinking, I already have a tournament bracket sort of thing. So why not have a contest? And so here we go. There are fifteen matches in the Steel Cage Grudge Match, and what you have to do to enter this contest is guess who will be the winner of each match. So that's fifteen guesses you have to make. And after the whole thing has been run, whoever got the most right will be the winner. And what do you win? You win any merchandise of your choice from the Darien Store, up to a total value of twenty dollars!

Those of you who are a bit sharp may have noticed that two of those fifteen matches have already been fought. This is true. So to make things more interesting, for each time you pick one of those two fighters - Descartes and Buddha - the size of your potential prize increases by five dollars. This is limited only by the fact that you can only pick them in brackets where they possibly could have appeared - which means that, unless my counting ability has gone all to heck, you can't pick them more than five times, total.

So get started working up those lists! But don't send them to me. Not yet. Since I write this thing, it'd look bad if I collected the entries as well. So I need to find someone to hold onto them for me - if you're interested, let me know. Legals follow: offer valid everywhere except where prohibited by law. perfectlydarien.com reserves the right to cancel the contest for any reason at any time prior to its conclusion, but currently has no intention of doing so. perfectlydarien.com staff and his wife are not eligible to win, but can still enter anyway for the heck of it. After all, the prize wouldn't really be much of a prize for us, anyhow. Entries will be accepted from whenever someone offers to accept them to whenever the next match is posted. The winner will not be declared - in fact, I won't even look at the entries - until the whole Grudge Match is completed, which some skeptics say will be when a certain very hot place becomes a very cold place. But that's why we don't listen to them. Oh, and, uh, no purchase necessary.

'Course, if you want to purchase something, there's a sale going on on a bunch of junk over at the store. Certainly not the worst way you could spend your $14,990 + s/h.

Is You Is Or Is You Ain't? (07-02-02): Sorry for the lack of updates lately; it's hard to be funny in this accursed heat. Acording to my thermometer, it's currently 165 degrees here in the now-only-partially-frozen north. I suspect that my thermometer has been kept too close to the computer, though, and has begun to absorb some of the sarcasm from this web site. But we'll see what happens with that.

In other news, I hear (from POE news) that Tom Cruise has recently revealed himself to be even more retarded that was previously suspected. He's apparently sending his children out of the country because he can't have them raised somewhere as horrible as America. But, get this - he's sending them to Australia. Australia. Good work picking a country that really represents moral values and decency, there, Tom. I guess that's what happens when you become a celebrity - your brain falls out through your ear. I can't help but thinking it was a bit daft of him to marry Kidman instead of Hanoi Jane, who would have made a perfect match.

But enough of that. I should get back on track with updates shortly - I'm on vacation this weekend, so I'll have plenty of time to sit in the air-conditioned hotel room and type up something funny. Maybe even those fighting philosophers everyone's clamouring over. Time will tell.

The March of War (06-24-02): I'll avoid the same pun I made back in May. Anyhow. It has been pointed out to me that a few innaccuracies appeared in the previous news item, which you can find by looking downward a few paragraphs. What it amounts to, basically, is that the battle of the Alamo was fought against the Mexicans, rather than the French, and that we lost, rather than won. So, as an aside to the United States: what happened, there? Not only did you lose to the Mexicans, you lost to the Mexicans under the command of Santa Ana. For those of you who don't speak Spanish, that translates as "Santa Claus." I guess you guys just got overwhelmed by his rumbling battle cry of "HO HO HO!" and his unnerving habit of shaking when he attacks like a bowl full of jelly. Or was it that reindeer cavalry that did you in? "Charge, Dasher! Charge, Dancer!"

But back to the French. While the government of perfectlydarien.com regrets the error, we wish to announce that the war effort will be in no way set back by this, and that we will renew our assault as soon as we can think of a suitable battle in which the U.S. did beat the heck out of the French. If none presents itself, we will just yell things like "say 'chowder,' Frenchie!" and perhaps make fun of Gerard Depardieu.

War is hell.

Under Attack? (06-21-02): An anonymous source (who actually isn't Stephen this time) recently informed me that "PD"

(which is a close relative of "pd," which is the shortened form of "pd.com," which is the shortened form of "perfectlydarien.com," and a button of which is over there on the right) is French slang for "gay." Which is one heck of a coincidence, since "French" is pd.com slang for "gay." But that's beside the point. The point being, of course, that this is a clear slap in the face from the French to Your Favourite Web Site. And all because I made a few snide comments about how much they suck at war. So, as seems fitting, I've decided to declare war on France. I'll put up a form shortly; for now, if you want to enlist, just send me some e-mail. As soon as I can get a decent army together, we'll go show them godless commies who's boss. And it isn't them. It's not Tony Danza, either, but that was a pretty good guess. But for now, I'll leave the French these words of parting: "Hey, French! Remember the Alamo? Yeah? Well, we'll kick your asses twice as hard this time!"

Protecting the Children (06-02-02): We here at perfectlydarien.com are as insensed as anyone about how dangerous the internet is for children. But, unlike the rest of everyone, we decided to do something about it. Click on ye olde linke to be whisked away to the Happy Fun Corner!, where everything in all nice and sweet and not at all subversive. Guaranteed to be 100% free from naughty language and sexual references, and at least 65% free from pro-drug propaganda! You know, I've saved the world so many times I think I'll lobby to receive government recognition as a superhero. Maybe I can get a stipend, too.

Minor Layout Change (05-30-02): ... Which only Netscape users will notice. I altered the Netscape CSS file slightly, because I didn't like what it looked like before. So if you think the site looks different, well, there you go.

More New Stuff (05-24-02): Another new feature appears from the mists: The Devil's Game. Just because I like to make fun of bad video games. Be sure to check it out! Also, I've moved a lot of the old news off of this page, to make room for more new news. You can get to the old news here, if for some reason you're really interested in what updated a long time ago.

The March of Progress (05-21-02): Or the May of progress. Whatever works for you. The point of this whole thing being that I'm working on a secret project, and may have broken some other things in the process. I think I got everything fixed, but if you notice anything that used to work and doesn't anymore, let me know about it. And, yeah, I mean anything. No matter how small.

New Feature! (05-15-02): That's right, another new feature for you to feast your brains on! This one's called World Domination Handbook, and it's sure to be appreciated by almost nobody but me. So let me know if you're in the 733t group of people who find it amusing. And if you're offended by any of the comments in there, feel free not to let me know.

Questions, comments, suggestions, or insults? Send them right along to darien@perfectlydarien.com