perfectlydarien.com - Investigative Reports! (Societal Decay: Page 2)

Investigative Reports

Part Three: Taking a Break

Wiped out after my day on the phone, I still had no leads. So I decided to sit down and watch some television. Then it hit me: television! Whiney, uptight morons have been blaming television for everything since about the 1640s. So maybe they're on to something, even if they were wrong about that whole "world-being-round" thing.

Wholesome? Yes indeed.

I began my research with Cartoon Network, which I chose scientifically because that's what was on when I turned on the television. Cartoon Network was showing Dragonball Z, which is a wholesome, family show about large, muscular men who spend their free time beating the hell out of other large, muscular men, who in turn get pissed off and go beat the hell out of other large, muscular men. I could tell from the start that this was a show that teaches important values; there are many lessons to be had here about friendship and trust and how to beat the hell out of a man who is larger and more muscular than you. So Cartoon Network gets a pass - there is no societal decay to be found here.

Needless to say, my warm fuzzies got cold shivers when I hit the down arrow on my remote. On the next channel down, I found some old, churchy-looking guy with a foolishly tall hat reading passages from some old tome in a fruity language that I couldn't quite recognise, but sounded a lot like French. I was shocked. Don't these people realise that, by putting stuff like this on my television, they're violating my first amendment rights? I have a guaranteed, George Washington-approved right to freedom from religion, and here's this old French guy trying to put his religion on my TV! This is the sort of smut and filth up with which I shall not put, as Winston Churchill probably would have said had he been sitting in the other chair. All these old French guys who are always "blah blah blah God blah blah blah The Bible blah blah blah I am snooty and I eat snails" really should try to be more like Sir Winston. After all, he once told some uppity woman that she was ugly, and she always would be. The stupid French can't even pronounce "chowder."

Part Four: Music

Television was pretty much exhausted at this point, and I still didn't have mcuh to go on. So I tried investigating the world of music. Since I don't listen to any of that deplorable garbage that the youngsters call "music," I went up on that there internet and downloaded some mp3s of Eminem and Limp Bizkit. That's the great thing about the internet, after all: it's so much easier to get stuff without paying for it.

Positive role-model or cavity-causing agent? You make the call.

I fired up the good ol' mp3 player and went to work. Eminem was up first. Listening to Eminem's soulful, thought-provoking lyrics, I gained a new understanding of exactly what it meant to be human. This brave man makes a bold stand against the establishment, a spontaneous cry of identity. Yes, I learned a lot from Eminem. Most importantly, I learned that I am, in fact, the real Slim Shady. And I'm already standing, bub.

Fresh off my amazing experience with Eminem, I dove headfirst into another musical Epiphany, and Limp Bizkit's Break Shit. Mr. Bizkit truly captures the futility and the stress of modern existence - after all, we've all had those days before. It's rare to see an artist as young as Mr. Bizkit who nonetheless can clearly and easily express his rage and frustration with this dog-eat-dog world. His eloquence will bestride these times like a colossus. It's just a shame to hear about his limpness. They have drugs to fix that nowadays, though.

After that, looking for some more limp, bizkity goodness, I accidentally stumbled across an mp3 of some messed up song that I think was called "Fray or Jocka" or something like that. My ears almost collapsed with the horror! It's what sounds like ten thousand French kids all droning on in unison... like they're mindless zombies. Sheep. It was truly frightening. But, slowly, through the mass of tortured youths, an idea began to emerge...

I had found my answer.

On to page three!

Questions, comments, suggestions, or insults? Send them right along to darien@perfectlydarien.com